Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Just Thinkin'

There is an exmormon meetup group near where I live. I signed up months ago, but always found a reason not to go to the meetups. Some were valid—my house caught fire and everything went to hell in a handbasket—and some weren’t—my husband was in town and wouldn’t like it.  So I decided that I’m going to the January meetup come hell or high water.  Then I let my sister know, so she could come with me if she wants. She doesn’t want. Not that she doesn’t think it’s a good thing for me, but she’s been out of the clutches of the morg for long enough that she doesn’t have the level of anger and obsessive need to talk and research that I do.

So I can’t help but wonder when I’ll get to that point. I mean, I’m definitely not there yet. Not even close. I’m angry that 30 years of my life was spent believing in that BS. I am angry (and guilty) about the people I tried to convert, and thankful that no one ever did convert because of my efforts. I am angry about all the guilt with which I tortured myself for so long because of the mormon church. I am angry about what the mormon church both directly and indirectly did to my mother. I’m angry because I can’t talk to my mother about my feelings because I worry that it would be too much for her to bear, given her fragile emotional condition. I’m angry about the money I paid to the church, which either directly or indirectly was used to build malls and condos instead of help the needy. I’m angry because of anyone who was abused by a parent or a spouse or a church leader or another member of the church and who was told that it was partly their fault, and whose needs were never met because the perpetrators were protected.

There are so many things I’m angry about, so many things I can’t help but study and research because I want to know the truth. The morg gives lip service to the truth, but in action they lie, lie, lie. I’m tired of lies. If, as they claim to do, they believe the Bible to be the word of God (insofar as it is translated correctly, a clause that enables them to weasel out of anything they don’t feel like doing), the Lord hates lies.

I remember being told that if we lived worthily to where we had the Holy Ghost to be our constant companion, people would see something in us, and want whatever we had. Man, there was one day that a conversation happened just that way. And I was elated because I’d been praying to find someone with whom to share the gospel. So I was then puzzled when, after lots of discussions and attending church (my husband and I drove out to where she lived and went to church with her in what would be her ward), she just dropped it cold. I didn’t understand. As I said earlier, I’m glad she didn’t join. I would hate to have had that on my conscience now.

I remember the scripture about those who are learned thinking they are wise, with that sense of haughty self-righteousness that implies people who study and learn to find the truth are less worthy than those who just accept “truth” and follow it just because.


Substitute “Book of Mormon” or “Pearl of Great Price.” It’s all the same. Joseph Smith was a prophet because he told us he was a prophet. The Church is true because the Church is true.

Know what I think? It’s a steaming pile of horse crap. As in, “Grab the shovels and run for the hills! It’s oozing over the windowsills!”


  1. HI! I have been trying to comment for a while, but I am so computer illiterate and just figured out how to do this correctly. Anyway....I have read your whole blog. Your husband is truley disfuntional. He is mentally abusive. I can't believe your friends are not laying it out on the line for you. If you stay in this marriage without some serious counseling, you are going to suffer many years down the road for not being strong enough to put a stop to his behavior. He needs to grow up and quit trying to manipulate you. I am very proud of the fact that you left the church. I only left this last April. I am finally not angry, but the only way I was truley able to heal so quickly was through personal counseling to deal with the PTSD from realizing it was all made up crap. I lost several very close friends when I left the church. It was devestating. One was like a sister to me and I thought she was my very best friend. Aparently she thought that by not speaking to me I would come to my senses and come back to the only true church. :) Tell your husband he can go find someone else to put up with his crap. You are strong. You can do anything!

  2. Pam, I completely agree with you that my husband is verbally and emotional abusive. There is so much happening in our lives right now, and I feel that those things need to be settled and then I can move on with separating. We had a house fire back in July, and our insurance company has been dragging their heels and we are still living in temporary housing. Once the house is reinhabitable, and we have all of our possessions back, I believe I'll feel better about moving on. And I have been standing up for myself with him, not that it seems to make any difference.

  3. I've felt that anger. I was pissed off about all the stuff you listed [and more]. That I did all this stuff because they said it was true/ what I was supposed to do. I'm still a little angry. Not at them as much as myself. I should have thought harder, dug deeper... but then again they used the youth/ lack of knowledge of a teen and the emotional instability in their favor. I was in no place to make such a choice. So I have to forgive myself. I was a life ago. I was a whole different person. And at least I got some good out of it. I'm still trying to recover in so many other ways though.