Monday, October 31, 2011

Just Thinkin' Again

Okay. I don't have children, not through lack of trying, but just imagine for a moment that I do.  I love my children. They're the most precious things in my life. So why would I bring them into this world and tell them that unless I have another child who is able to be perfect here on earth, and who willingly sacrifices himself for them, I will never see them again after they die?

I do have a dog, and have had several dogs, so no need to pretend there. I love them. They are precious to me. I cherish every moment I've spent with them, well, except for the whole cleaning up the puke on my lace and beaded comforter, and cleaning up more poop than seems possible for one small dog. I've lost 3 of those dogs--one to a car, one to a heart attack, and the most recent to chronic kidney failure. I look forward to seeing them again, playing with them again, whenever or however or if there is something beyond this life.

And that's just me.

So why would loving heavenly parents create children only to say, "well, if you don't do everything I say, and if your brother doesn't willingly sacrifice himself for you, and if you don't abide by all the commandments, we're not going to be seeing each other anymore?"

That's what haunted me my entire time as a member of the church. I didn't understand it, and I knew there was no way I could ever abide by every commandment. There were so many things that didn't make sense to me. I support gay marriage, which set me apart from my "friends"--I use the word advisedly, because most of them weren't really my friends.

I remember once going to the bishop with some troubles, and telling him about finding myself in hot water, and his thoughts immediately jumped into interesting territory, as he asked if I had had any homosexual activity with them. WTF? Do these men not understand that your sexual orientation just is? I don't believe homosexuals can be turned straight, nor do I believe that heterosexuals can be turned gay. Don't get me wrong--I think women are beautiful. Much more attractive than most men. But that doesn't mean I want to have sex with them.

So if there is a God, then I would hope that he is far greater, far kinder, far more merciful and compassionate, than the best I can possibly be. And when it comes to people I love, I can be pretty kind, merciful, and compassionate. I can even be decent to people I don't particularly like. That's just part of what being alive is. You love people. You help them out if and when you can. If you can't, you recognize that you would if you could, and you keep going. If people treat you like shit, recognize that they don't get it, and move on.

Sorry this is rambly. My thoughts have been extremely rambly of late, and I can't seem to turn them off. I'm obsessively reading and researching, and everything I learn goes into my brain and I turn on the puree button, and it whizzes around and around. And I have weird dreams, and very interesting conversations with the people I trust, and I journal my experiences and hope that someday I'll have more answers than I do today. But at least I'm asking questions.

I mean, if you're told that "when the prophet speaks, the debate is over," and you actually believe that, then you're never going to explore what's going on. I believe in the scientific method. I believe in asking the question and looking for the answer. If you're not allowed to research and study things out, how are you going to know that the answers you've been given and have parroted are the right answers? If you start with what you believe to be the answer, and ask questions that make the answer fit, you're really going about things bass-ackwards.

And now I shall bear my testimony: I do not believe the mormon church is the one true church. I don't believe there is one true church.  I do not believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet. I do not believe that the book of mormon is scripture. I believe that it was cobbled together from various sources with some imagination and a knowledge of the scriptures to sound scriptural. I do not believe that women are second-best, that blacks are second-best, that native Americans or other people of colour will become white and delightsome, because I believe they are delightsome just as they are. I do not believe that Brigham Young was a prophet. I do not believe that Adam is our god and the only god with which we have anything to do. I do not believe the moon is populated by Quakers. I do not believe that if I don't give ten percent of everything I earn I will be burned.

What do I believe? I believe that there are a lot of people on this earth, and we all need each other. We need to love each other. We need to be genuine and sincere. I believe in trying to make the world a little bit better for my having been here. I believe that if there's a god, he's better than the best we can imagine. I believe that if there's a god, he loves us, and he's merciful, and he cares about us. I believe that my nephew who died last year isn't serving a mission on the other side of the veil--I believe that he's playing with his brother and cousins who also died far too soon, and I believe that he's having a blast. And I can't wait to see him again and shoot the bull with him. I believe that there is purpose to life. I believe that if we ask the right questions, and genuinely seek for the answers to those questions, that we'll get a lot more out of life.



53 Questions That You May Not Have Seen Before

  • Instructions: You should know these by now.
  • 1: What do you put on hotdogs? I like ketchup and sweet pickle relish and mustard.
  • 2: Do you say "anticlimatic" or "anticlimactic"?  I say anticlimactic, but now I'm wondering if I've been saying it wrong. So I went and looked it up and feel better.
  • 3: Do you check flyers before grocery shopping? From time to time.
  • 4: Blue, black, or some other colour pen ink? Purple or blue.
  • 5: Do you use your parking brake? Nope.
  • 6: Look to your left. How many framed pictures are on the wall? No framed pictures, but huge floor to ceiling windows.
  • 7: Do you know how to play chess? In theory, but not in practice.
  • 8: How often do you clean the interior of your car? Hahahahahahaha---Let's just say that rarely happens.
  • 9: Do you ever read the last few pages first? No, I think it's cheating.
  • 10: Ever fallen in the shower? Nope.
  • 11: On a scale of 1-10, how likely are you to swear at other drivers? 10. But not all the time.
  • 12: What's the worst thing you've ever called someone you care about? I don't know--asshole? son of a bitch?
  • 13: Do you have a Snuggie? I did, until our house burned down.
  • 14: Are you allergic to anything?  Ragweed and housework.
  • 15: Do you have any TV shows on DVD? The Closer, Doctor Who, Buffy, Angel
  • 16: How many times do you hit the snooze button before finally getting out of bed? 5, because if I hit it 6 times it resets the alarm for an hour later.
  • 17: Ever driven away in anger? Heck yeah, tires squealing and all!
  • 18: What's your favourite freezie colour? brown, because my favourite slurpee flavour is a mix of Dr Pepper & Coke.
  • 19: Are you a vegetarian?  From time to time. My husband can be unbearably judgmental when I'm vegetarian, so I always have to mentally prepare for a lot of arguing.
  • 20: Do you have a garbage receptacle beside you? What's on top? 2 napkins
  • 21: Do you cross out your mistakes or erase/whiteout them? Scribble them out
  • 22: Ever torn something up that you instantly knew was too important for such treatment? Hasn't everyone?
  • 23: Do you think that things will get better? I do.
  • 24: Do you have an unpopular opinion? What is it? Well, in my home my unpopular opinion is that Joseph Smith was a con artist, hebephile, sexual predator, and an asshole to boot.
  • 25: What's your favourite quote? My favourite quotation is "Gladly wolde he lerne, and gladly teche." (Chaucer)
  • 26: Did you/are you going to go to prom? I did, and it totally sucked.
  • 27: What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced?  Breast reduction. Lemme tell ya--I've had several laparoscopic surgeries to try to clean out endometriosis adhesions; I've had my tonsils out; I've had a hysterectomy; total knee replacement on my left knee; and lap band surgery. The breast reduction pain was by far the worst. It was just agonizing. The knee replacement would be second.
  • 28: What's the most emotionally/mentally painful thing you've ever experienced?  Losing my babies when we tried IVF to have children.
  • 29: Have you ever legitimately saved a person's life? Nope.
  • 30: What's your favourite book genre? I don't have a favourite genre. I just love books. Although I'm over the whole vampire thing, and I don't care for zombies.
  • 31: Did you like "Gigli"? Be honest.  Didn't watch it.
  • 32: Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre?  Heck yeah!
  • 33: Do you peek between your fingers during the scary scenes?  Heck yeah!
  • 34: What was your reaction to Tatum getting killed whilst stuck in the pet door in Scream? I don't remember it, so I don't know what my reaction was.
  • 35: Do dogs like you? They love me, and I love them, and we love each other, because none of us was loved enough in our childhood.
  • 36: Would you say that you project an air of authority? Sometimes.
  • 37: Do people listen when you speak? Yep.
  • 38: How are your elbows? Are they okay? They're a little rough.
  • 39: What is one thing that you do exceptionally well? Be honest. I'm a fantastic cook.
  • 40: Do you use torrents? apparently not, since I had to look them up online.
  • 41: When was the last time you paid for music? Last week. I bought Joss Whedon's playlist from the iTunes store.
  • 42: Are you addicted to technology?  Yes. Do not get between me and my laptop.
  • 43: Pick a person (you don't need to give their name). How do you feel about them? Be as honest as you can get yourself to be.  She's the other half of my soul, my best friend. I've known her forever, and I cannot imagine my life without her.
  • 44: Do you check your computer's dictionary for the definition of words you'd otherwise feel confident about using during in-person interactions? Just to be sure? Once in a blue moon, because I'm pretty good with words.
  • 45: How heavily to you rely on spellcheck and autocorrect?  Not at all.
  • 46: Have you ever gotten into an argument on the internet? Did you win? Not that I recall
  • 47: Do you pause movies/TV shows if you have to go to the bathroom or the kitchen, or do you just let them keep playing?  If it's one I've seen a million times, I let it keep playing. If it's one I'm just watching for the first time, I pause it.
  • 48: If you use a regular alarm clock, do you have it set to music or that obnoxious beeping? I don't use a regular alarm clock. I use my cell phone, and the alarm tone is XOXO by Black-Eyed Peas.
  • 49: Peter Pan?  Jiffy, extra crunchy.
  • 50: How often do you fall up the stairs? Frequently. I'm very gifted that way.
  • 51: Do you pronounce "anti" as ant-eye or ant-ee? (Example: "That scene was very anticlimactic.")  ant-eye
  • 52: Do you pronounce "via" as vee-uh or vie-uh? (Example: "We can get there via Tremont Street.") via
  • 53: How often do you forget to close your parentheses? Occasionally, when my parenthetical comment gets so long and complicated that I probably should have just started a new paragraph or bullet point.
If you want to play, consider yourself tagged.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Sinnin' Again

I stayed up far too late last night, reading. I love my nook, because I can have all the lights off, and just read by the glow of my screen. And no one knows what I'm reading, which means I don't have to answer questions I'd just as soon not answer.  Anyway, it's just me and the dog for the week, as the husband is out of town. So she was snuggled up next to me, and I was petting her with one hand and holding my nook in the other hand.

As a result of staying up far too late last night, reading, I am exceedingly sleepy this morning. So I grabbed one of the coffee mugs sitting on my desk and made some espresso.  And just now I noticed that the mug I grabbed is my souvenir from when I went to see Wicked.  That means I'm drinking espresso from a mug that says Wicked in large white letters. The humour does not escape me. :) Alas, I'm still not feeling much more awake which means I'm going to have another mug of wicked witches brew. Tsk, tsk.

Monday, October 24, 2011

I Did It!!!

I resigned from LDS, Inc.!

I actually tried once before, but the bishop called my husband expressing concern, and my husband freaked out, so I said never mind, but was seething inside that I can't even resign my membership without having to report to a man.

So today I got my balls together, and sent another email, this time informing them that should they attempt to notify my husband or any other member of my family in regards to my resignation, I will pursue legal action. I fucking mean it, too.

I don't think that my decision to resign is the business of any other person. It's my business. I made my decision based on what is right for me, and I don't have to return and report to my husband, my stepfather, or any other man who thinks he has authority over me.

I, aintnomonomo, ain't no mo no mo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

That's what she said

I've been reading Mormonism Schism. And I just want to say, ditto (even though I loathe Limbaugh), ditto again, and a good hearty amen!

(And I hope she records her mormon hymn parodies, because they're fantastic!)

Leaving the Mormon Church

Kiley had this post up, and invited readers to write their own letters.  It's been perhaps 6 months since I left, so I'm still sorting out my own emotions and figuring out how to deal with people close to me and those not so close to me.  Here goes:

Dear Reader,

As you make your way out of the mormon church, remember that you have the right to say no. If you contact your bishop and ask for no contact in any shape, form or fashion from any members of the ward, and he asks to meet with you, you can say no. If people contact you anyway, you can just respond by asking them to remove you from their email lists, not to visit, etc.

You may find frustration in that people you previously thought to be friends were only friends because they were assigned to be. Again, you're allowed to tell them not to call/email/write/visit. There will be those, however, who are your friends because they love you, and they will remain your friends. Cherish them. Hold them close to your heart.

Go buy cute underwear. Lots and lots of cute underwear. Wear colours--pink, purple, black, red, polka-dotted. Wear thongs or boyshorts. Revel in the array of underwear that is now available to you.

Cuss. I'm particularly fond of the f-word. Put Ben Folds Five song "One Angry Dwarf" in your CD player and holler "kiss my ass!" with increasing enthusiasm. (It's a great song, trust me.) 

Try some coffee, to see if you like it. There are all kinds of syrups for flavouring, even sugar-free syrups (I love the Torani brand). There are plenty of flavours of creamer as well. Mix it up. See what you like. Have a big glass of iced tea, and see how thirst-quenching it can be. Mix some cold iced tea with some cold lemonade, and see how delicious that tastes.

Drink a glass of wine. Or a margarita. Or--and only do this if you've got friends around to pick you up--a long island iced tea. Whoa, Nellie! I had one of those when I was out with my sister and a friend, and I could hardly walk. But it sure tasted good.

You may have people ask you, as my husband asked me, if you left the church so you could drink coffee (wear cute underwear/drink a glass of wine/whatever they deem to be unsuitable and sinful). I normally respond with sarcasm (and occasionally a raised middle finger), but you'll find your own voice.

Explore the universe. Read anti-Mormon literature if you want to. Read the history--the true history, that LDS Inc. tries to whitewash and/or keep away from people--and see how the church really got its beginnings. Read the ridiculous teachings of past prophets, and the song and dance routine modern prophets use to get around them.

Be angry if you need to be angry. Cry if you need to cry. Blog. Journal. Talk to friends. The ex-Mormon community, I'm finding, is completely awesome. I've gotten so much support, not just from those that I've approached on a personal basis, but by reading their blogs and the books they've written. They are amazing.

If you want to correspond with me, I'd be delighted!!  Just shoot an email to aintnomonomo(at)gmail(dot)com.

Monday, October 17, 2011

I'm Still Standing

There are a couple of songs that I might as well have the lyrics tattooed all over my body.* And I know it's kind of lame, but I don't really care.  They motivate me, or they express what I'm thinking better than I can express it.  Or perhaps it's just that they're attached to upbeat music so that when "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down."

Or "ain't nothin' gonna break my stride; nobody's gonna slow me down, oh, no, I've got to keep on movin'." Even the dream part--"Last night I had the strangest dream. I sailed away to China on a little rowboat to find ya, and you said you had to get your laundry clean." Because I have strange peculiar funky dreams. Like I dreamed for 5 nights in a row this past week about my boss, who's been out of the office for the last month or so. And she kept coming back to work too soon. Weird.

But my song today is "I'm still standing after all this time, picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind. I'm still standing better than I ever did, looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid."

I gave 30 years to LDS, Inc. Then I kicked them to the curb, picked myself up, dusted myself off, and started all over again. 'Cause I've got "high hopes, high apple pie in the sky hopes."

I don't know what's coming, but after this hellish year, "something tells me I'm in [for] something good."

*I don't really want any tattoos, which is just as well, because when I start reflecting on song lyrics that kind of perk me up, I realize there are rather a lot of them. How would I choose which lyrics to have tattooed on which body part? I suppose Tubthumping could go on my butt....

Friday, October 14, 2011

a haiku

spiced pumpkin latte
a chilly autumn morning
a sin? i think not

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Been Thinkin'

I have of late been doing a lot of reading and a lot of pondering, trying to figure out my feelings toward the members of the church. I think my personal feelings are tainted by some of the experiences that I've had, so that while I recognize that the majority of the members are good, honest, decent people, striving to live what they believe to be the truth, it can still be hard for me sometimes to remember that.

F'r instance, there's a family in our ward that is the epitome of mormon virtue. They have plenty of kids, all but two, I believe, adopted. They're virtuous, lovely, of good report and praiseworthy, and seek after every good thing. But the father of the household hates our family. I'm sure that he's found a way to justify it in his mind so that he's not doing anything wrong. Their oldest daughter got married some years ago. We missed the reception because it was the same time that one of my really good friends and two of her children were killed in a car accident, and I was grieving over that.  So a few days later, my husband says, "Let's go to Target and get a wedding present for [name redacted]."  When we pulled their registry, there were a fair few items that had not been purchased.  We had the same idea at the same time--let's get it all! Man, we had a blast shopping! Our feeling was that we don't have kids, so let's help spoil other people's kids. But when my husband took the gifts over to their parents' house, the father was pretty nasty to him. We don't know if it's because of his personal feelings towards our family, or if perhaps he thought that we were trying to show off how good we were, or what. But his attitude took what had been done out of genuine love and joy and turned it into a gut-churning negative memory.

Or here's another example: I was a convert. That's the first thing you need to know. And I fairly quickly learned that to fit in you need to be a Molly. Wear the stupid dresses. Do crafts. Bake bread (fortunately, I enjoy baking bread, so that wasn't a stretch). So I did. I wore the stupid dresses. I did crafts. I taught Relief Society from time to time. I even, in an attempt to follow the word of wisdom, frequently made vegetarian meals (because we're supposed to eat meat sparingly, right?). And whenever I would do a vegetarian cooking class in Relief Society, well, of course no one showed up. So blah blah blah. After the in-vitro failed, and I knew I wasn't going to have any children, I went through hell. All the stupid comments made by people at church. Being the only one sitting in Relief Society without kids, either by giving birth or adoption. Having to explain to nosy people why we were not going to adopt, even though it wasn't really any of their business.

Four or five months after the failed IVF, I was sitting in a really boring sacrament meeting (I know, I know, redundant) and trying (and failing) to pay attention to the speaker. But I sort of had this little mini revelation, and realized how much of my life I had put off because I hoped I'd get pregnant that month. And I made a little list of things that I wanted to do. And I decided that I wasn't going to put off living any longer.  Over the next few weeks, I also realized I hated doing crafts. I hated wearing those stupid dresses and stupid lace-trimmed socks with stupid white keds. I got rid of all the crafty shit and hung up prints by Picasso and Dali instead. I even changed my name, because of the negative associations of the contempt I heard when certain people said my old name.  And you know what happened? All but 2 of my church friends dumped me. That told me right then how much I mattered to them, no matter their protestations every time I showed up to church about how much they loved me and how wonderful it was to see me. It did take me a while, of course, to realize what was happening. I remember calling one friend several times a week for several months, leaving messages that never got returned, before the light bulb finally switched on.

Of the two church friends who didn't dump me, one is now dead (that car accident I mentioned earlier). And the other, well, she's the coolest ever. I can tell her anything, and she'll listen to me and she won't judge me. She loves me, and I know it. And I love her, and she knows it. She is amazing. And her awesomeness has absolutely nothing to do with the church. It's all because that's just who she is.

I've mentioned before in this blog of my loathing of assigned friends, and how hard it hit me when I realized that my visiting teacher, who's been my visiting teacher for several years, doesn't love me, no matter what she says. But I think she fooled herself into believing that she did.

We were badly betrayed, in addition, by one home teacher in particular. I don't want to go into details right now, although I probably will eventually, but it caused us enormous pain. But we were made to feel like we were the ones who were in the wrong.

So while I can objectively say yeah, there are a lot of good people who happen to be mormons, I also recognize that I've seen perhaps far more than my fair share of those who are not so good, who also happen to be mormons. As my husband said for years (up until the time I decided I wasn't going to be mormon anymore), why would you want to hang out with people who despise you?

I don't. I'm going to stick with my friends who love me, and who let me love them, and I don't give a flying rat's ass what religion they do or don't follow. And that may mean that I can count the numbers of my truly true friends on the fingers of one hand, but hey--they're truly true friends. And the number doesn't matter so much as the quality. Dude--they're quality.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Sad News

My little dog died last night. He was in my arms when he passed, right around midnight. I'm going to miss him more than I can say.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Take Note!

I'm not an alcoholic because I have a glass of wine every now and then.

I'm not a druggie because I take medications prescribed by my physician(s) as they are prescribed.

I'm not a slut because I wear tank tops and cute underwear (today? grey boyshorts).

I'm not breaking moral standards by drinking coffee and tea.

My house didn't burn down because I left the church.

My beautiful sweet lovable border collie didn't die because I left the church.

My beautiful sweet little dachshund boy didn't contract chronic kidney failure because I left the church or because I defend myself when my husband starts accusing me of being a druggie alcoholic with no moral standards who doesn't take care of her dogs. He's not eating, but he's not not eating because I left the church because I'm a druggie alcoholic with no moral standards.  He's not doing well, but that's not because I'm a druggie alcoholic with no moral standards who left the church.

I invited my husband to move out, but he laughed at me and said that I need to move out.

Then when I told him he can have the house and we can just split the money for the contents and go our separate ways, he backtracked and apologised and he's just under stress because of everything. Apparently I'm not under any stress. And I'm supposed to just let his insults roll off my back without getting upset, because our dog has kidney failure because I raise my voice in frustration.

See, it's okay for him to yell at me and accuse me of all kinds of things, but I'm not allowed to get hurt or defend myself.

I'm really fucking pissed off today.

Monday, October 10, 2011


I was having a really shitty day yesterday, the culmination of a really shitty week.

Monday I went to the doctor to get a fill (lap band), and learned I'd gained a couple of pounds. So they gave me a pretty good fill.

My husband went out of town Tuesday, thank goodness.  I also puked a lot on  Tuesday. So Wednesday I stayed home to puke in privacy. And also to take care of my seriously ill dog, who has chronic kidney failure.

I went to work Thursday morning until I puked 3 times in my trash can at my desk because I didn't have time to run down the hall to the bathroom. Then I went back home.

I stayed home Friday.

Saturday I had a hair appointment, and thank goodness I made it through without getting sick. And I didn't vomit anymore Saturday or Sunday, although I continued to have, shall we say, digestive problems throughout the weekend.

I woke up Sunday to the beautiful sound and smell of pouring rain. And I was happy. However, all of my cooler weather shoes, my boots, and my wellies were at the house in a couple of huge contractor plastic bags. All I had at the apartment, aside from trainers, were flipflops and 3 pairs of cheap suedeish material flats. My husband has said that we're not to remove anything from the house until we get the money for the contents. So I thought I'd just go buy a pair of ankle boots or something--couldn't buy wellies because I have fat calves. They're shaped nicely and all, but they're large. I have to buy boots that are higher than ankle height online because I have to order them from specialty shops. 

I went to Marshall's, and all of the ankle boots were either impractical (too high heeled or else made of suede), too ugly (there was one super cute pair but it didn't have any heel which made it look extremely stupid on my feet), or too expensive ($99.99, which in the greater scope of things isn't all that much, but was ridiculous when I have plenty of boots at home). So I called my husband and he finally agreed to let me go get my shoes.

I went to the house and started bawling as soon as I walked in the front door. It smells musty, and there's stuff strewn from one end of the house to the other. I got the 2 bags with my shoes and boots (and some handbags) and left. Then I decided to go to the video shop to get a copy of a movie I'd read about online (Agora--it looks really good). My route to the video shop passes by the stake center, which I flipped off 3 times as I drove past.

I didn't and do not want any contact with the church. But my husband still does. He called the bishop the day after our house burned down to tell him.  Not one person has contacted him. We've had more compassion from perfect strangers and co-workers than he got from teh mormons.  So much for their claims to be service oriented.  We paid the kids (early 20's, I guess) next door to rip out the shed in our back yard and haul ut and the contents off to the dump.

My dog is still very sick, and I'll be surprised if he lasts much longer. He won't eat anything. I've been force-feeding him Ensure, but my husband called me this morning to tell me to quit giving him the Ensure because it has too many vitamins. But if I can't give him that, he's just gonna die because he will not eat. I've tried everything. He just turns up his nose at it. Stuff he'd have been begging for he'll sit there and turn his head every way to avoid even having to look at it. He ate 2 tablespoons of baby food one night, but then when I offered him some more the next day he refused to eat it. I tried giving it to him in the syringe, the way I do the Ensure, but he just blew it back out of his mouth all over the blanket.

My husband's hoping to come back home tonight. I alternate between hoping he makes it home and hoping he stays out there another day or two. My dog seemed a little better this morning, and he did, with great resistance, drink quite a bit of ensure. Hubby told me to go get a pot roast from the market, and shred that up and see if he'll eat it. He won't, but I'll try.

So this last week has just been a real shitfest. If it weren't for my friends and family, I'd be ready to run away right about now. Let me rephrase that. I'm about ready to run away. The only reason I don't is because of my friends and family.

Monday, October 3, 2011


I wonder how many mormons who leave the church go to other christian religions, other non-christian religions, or identify as agnostic or atheist.

I've also been wondering where my personal beliefs lie. Doesn't that sound funny? Six months ago I could have told you exactly what I believed, and to not believe it anymore feels weird, but right.

I am pretty sure there's some kind of life after death. My belief for that is based in the fact that (a) I've lived in a haunted house; (b) I saw a ghost walking through the living room of the house I own now; and (c) my best friend's son C has visited me in my dreams and told me things that I did not and could know have known until I talked with my bff about them.

The haunted house belonged to my grandparents. The entity or residual energy, whatever you want to call it, that resided there hated women, and that feeling was concentrated in a particular part of the house, unfortunately the room that my sister and I shared while we lived there. Boys were unaware of it.  It was incredibly uncomfortable, and I was so glad to leave that house when I did.

The ghost walking through the living room of the house I own now looked stunned when I spoke to him. I asked him who he was, and what he was doing in my house, and to get out. I got the impression he was surprised that I saw him there. But he left. There wasn't any feeling of hostility or unpleasantness; he was just walking somewhere and his path happened to lead him through my living room.

My bff, the last time she was over, and I discussed her son. It's been over a year since he passed away, and everyone misses him more than ever. She told me how people at church tell her that he must be such a great missionary for the Lord, and that pisses her off just like it pisses me off.  He died just before he turned 15. His illness kept him from enjoying so many things that kids should enjoy. We've talked about how we want him to just play, and goof around, and do all the things he didn't get to do while he was here.

I've been reading Sulli's commentary on the general conference that took place this past weekend, and it kinda makes me sick. And I've been reading the posts by my family and friends on facebook about how much they love general conference, and it kinda makes me sick. General conference just makes me sick, no kinda to it.

Know what I did this weekend? I spent most of the day Saturday with my sister. We sat around and talked while she worked the last hour of her part-time job. I showed her the postcard with my secret that I mailed to PostSecret this weekend. We did a blog post for a book blog we contribute to. Then we went to try on clothes and watched a movie (yes, it was R rated, I believe, Dream House, and Daniel Craig's abs get four thumbs up), and walked around the mall, and I bought a new handbag because only having one handbag is driving me up the WALL!  And then I went to half-price books and got a couple of DVDs. And then I went to Marshalls and got a loaf pan, because I'm making meatloaf this weekend, and a loaf pan was not included in the furnishings our emergency housing rep set up for us. And I picked up dinner at Rosa's because I got home too late to make meatloaf that evening as had originally been planned. And Sunday? I went and bought some tops because even if my weight's kind of plateaued, I'm shrinking, and some of the new things I've bought the last couple of months are too big. And I went to Target and bought some make-up and water. And then I sat around and read all afternoon. And I took a long soak in the tub, reading a fascinating book on my nook. And then I went to bed and read until I fell asleep. It was just lovely.

Much nicer than general conference, where I'd have heard the same old stuff that they've been saying for decades, and where I'd have gone to sleep and felt guilty about it.

None of my family or personal friends, except those to whom I've come out of the apostate closet, and definitely never my husband, know about this blog. So saying here not to bother asking me to come back to church is useless, because they know better. But oh my gosh, I'm waiting to hear it from a couple of people. Not looking forward to it.

I posted a really cool picture in favour of gay marriage (or marriage. Because I had lunch, not gay lunch. etc.), and I'm waiting to see who's going to unfriend me. I did get an interesting personal message from someone after I posted that. I have something of hers to send back, and it won't surprise me at all if I get unfriended as soon as she gets it back.

Kinda sad.