Wednesday, May 18, 2011

So How Do I Do This?

I really want to be apart from my husband. Not because I don't love him, but because things are just beyond weird and also, I think, he's hiding behind me instead of boldly going after what he wants from life.  And I will confess to being really over his attempts to control me, his near-constant barrage of criticism under the guise of "just trying to help" me, and now his sad fretting about how it's his fault that I no longer believe in the one true gospel.

I've figured up all the finances, how much I need to get into an apartment, get some basic furniture and household supplies. I found an apartment I like. They have a unit that would be available in early August.

But I don't want to be uberbitch, breaking his heart. We've had trial separations twice in the past, and I couldn't wait to get home. My mother doesn't know the whole story, and she definitely does not know that I've left the church, so she sent me an email telling me basically to stay with him, and shared some of her marriage problems with details that not only made me throw up a little in my mouth, but also made my eyes bleed. She thinks that this is like the two previous times.  What she doesn't understand is that this time it's all my own idea instead of a bishop telling me to leave. She doesn't understand how long I've been thinking about it and how thoroughly I've planned things out.

For this to happen in August, I'd need to stop my contribution to our family budget in order to get the money saved up for my deposits, rent, the basics to furnish the flat with.  I also need him to agree to continue paying for the car until it's paid off, because I can't afford all my own living expenses as well as the car payment. There's only a year or so left on the car.  I also get a bonus from work every February. So I thought well, if I can stick it out until then, that gives me almost a year to get some good savings built up, to where I wouldn't have to remove my income from our family budget until I moved.

And then he acts like an asshole when I get home from work, and all my positive thoughts about sticking it out go right out the front door.

What does this have to do with my leaving the church? A lot, actually.  It's helped me to put things in perspective.  For example, one day we were discussing Joseph Smith and his prediliction for marrying women who were already married (ok, he had a prediliction for marrying anyone he set his eyes on, whether they were married, or teenagers, or whatever), and I asked him what he would do if Tommy Boy came to him and asked for me in marriage. My husband, tears in his eyes, said he would have to give me to him.  Boy howdy did that set me off!  I furiously told him that I am no man's property. 

My husband also has a tendency, whenever I express a thought or opinion that he disapproves of, to ask me who put that into my head, the implication being, of course, that I'm so easily swayed that I can't think for myself.

Our house is in a state of perpetual disrepair.  Our furnace and central air units went out years ago, and need replacing.  He put window air conditioners in, which actually work better to keep the house cool than the central unit did.  He got several space heaters. Well, let me testify to you that not only do space heaters NOT work to warm up our drafty house in the winter, it also costs a crapload of money to run them. We started redoing our main bathroom years ago, and it's still unfinished. I have been begging him to get these things done. For him they're just not that high priority. For me, it's a large portion of why I can never keep the damned house clean. I've been getting rid of my cluttery stuff every time he goes out of town (if he's in town, he either argues with me about what I'm getting rid of, or else goes through the bags and takes things out when I'm not looking), but his clutter is all over the house.

We have some water damage in the kitchen, so the floor area by the washing machine and by the back door has rotted, leaving damaged wood flooring. Our kitchen cabinets are falling apart.  It's hard to keep the kitchen clean, partly due to the falling apart cabinets, and also due to his filling the cabinets with stuff that doesn't really belong in them, thus leaving no room for the things that do.  F'rinstance, the cabinet between the sink and the refrigerator, where logic might dictate the glassware would belong, is basically a big medicine cabinet.  Another cupboard is totally full of spices, herbs, baking supplies, and whatever the hell else he thinks belongs there. That leaves me one measly cupboard for all the dishes and glasses. But wait!  Two-thirds of that is full of food.  So where the hell are my dishes supposed to go?  And yet I'm the one who gets yelled at because the house is a wreck.



  1. Is he at all aware of how sexist he is??

  2. Oh, Macha, of course not. He's completely fair and reasonable.

    For example: I had lap band surgery at the end of December. So since then I've had plenty of time to learn what I can and can't eat without difficulty, as well as how much I can eat. Chicken and bread, in particular, are hard to get down, usually get stuck, and I have to go make myself vomit. But according to him, I'm making it up. Chicken is good for you, better than cheese and beans and ground beef, regardless of the fact that I don't vomit when I eat those items.

    It doesn't seem to occur to him that I'm capable of knowing what's going on with my own body.

    This makes him sound totally horrible. He's not. He has a really good heart, loves people. But he's not a very good husband.