Thursday, May 26, 2011

The More Things Change...

Okay, this is kind of weird. (by the way, do you know how I finally learned how to spell weird?  I got it from a creepy character Johnny Depp was playing in his character as an undercover cop on 21 Jump Street. Just remember "we" are "weird" and you'll never misspell it again.)

Anyway. Back to my point. My husband and I have been talking more deeply and more honestly than we ever have in nearly 20 years of marriage. I think we've both accepted that this will end up in divorce. However, he's asked me to continue living at the house, and he'll continue to help support me financially as long as I do. It makes sense. I'd be living there anyway when he travels for work, since I wouldn't take the dogs to an apartment. And I make enough money to support myself if I were to get an apartment by work--barely--but with the gas prices as they are, I cannot do it staying at the house.  So that works out just fine.  We've each picked a room to be our bedroom, and he has the room that was formerly a garage to be his music room.  The other rooms (kitchen, dining, living room, home office/library) are the common areas.

I asked how he'd feel about things once I were to start dating (assuming that were to happen). He said that he'd be ferociously protective of me, but would try to deal with it as best as he could.  And I'm working to deal with his issues (I don't feel comfortable sharing them because it's his private business, not mine).  Not coincidentally, I'm able to do so better since leaving TSCC.

Another thing that's going to require some diligence on both of our parts is privacy and respect.  I'm still a little steamed that he felt perfectly comfortable throwing out my wine several weeks ago. I said that if I'm to stay in the house, he's going to have to respect my privacy and my belongings, and, no matter how much he may disagree with them, he does not have the right to get rid of them. And when he starts to dictate to me, I'm having to remind him that he may not do so. It's going to take a while to change old habits, but I think they can be changed.

Last night we were having a long talk, and I was sitting there staring at the bookcase full of church books in my room. I've been wanting to get rid of them for a while now, so I asked him to pull out the ones he wants and I'd take the rest to Half Price Books. Unsurprisingly, he pulled them all out and put them in a bin and shoved them in his office. At least they're out of my room. 

He's still really struggling with his feelings about himself and the church and how everything's intertwined. He doesn't want to believe that it's true, because it's so negative and nasty and harsh, but is afraid that it is, and so is just wrapped up in guilt. And I'm still dealing with guilt myself and the nagging little thought in my head that says "what if it's real and you're wrong and you're leading people astray and you're really going to regret it."  I tell that thought to go away, but it's there all the time.

Anyway, this is the experiment. If it works, great. If it doesn't work, well, I'm saving up money in the meantime so that if I do need to go ahead and move out, I'll be in a better position to do so.

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