Thursday, January 5, 2012

Which is Worse?

In a fit of fury last night, brought on by the fact that he was too stressed out about a movie I was watching (Freakonomics, for the record, puh-leeze), my husband screamed at me about what terrible things I look at online and how I've abandoned my religion and I've abandoned god and I've abandoned jesus and I've abandoned my faith.

Well, first off, I was pretty damned angry that he'd been looking through my browser history. I use Google Chrome, whereas he tends to use Internet Explorer.  And yeah, I've been looking up things about different religions, and atheism, and exmormonism, etc. And I love learning, so I'm usually looking up information about whatever has caught my fancy.

I've seen his browser history a time or two, before he started automatically deleting it whenever he exited IE. I find my history a lot less offensive than his, and that's all I'm saying about that. So I guess for now I'll follow his example, and clear my history whenever I shut down my computer.

I wanted to scream last night when  he said he still believes the mormon church is true. It's because it's so outrageously awful, that it must be true, according to him.

What's wrong with recognising something foul when you see its foulness? What's wrong with searching for answers when you have nothing but questions? What's wrong with plainly stating, "I don't know"? Why is everything I do wrong, and everything he does right? Why is it that when he's in town, and home all day, I'm still expected to go to work every day and then do all the housework?

I'm feeling incredibly frustrated today. I told him that we just need to split up and be done with it, and he says that he loves me, and we need to wait until the house is taken care of. Well, I love him too, but that doesn't change the fact that he's just unbearable for me to live with. Yeah, I can see the wisdom in waiting until the house is settled, but I'm not planning on sticking around to continue to get screamed at out of the blue for something completely innocent that he happens to take offense to. Like watching Freakonomics. You'd have thought I was watching something where people were being murdered every 5 seconds, and the heroes were satan worshippers and there were conspiracy theories abounding and women were getting raped and children were being harmed. Nope. Just learning how an economist was able to identify, through the use of statistics, cheating going on in sumo wrestling. How he figured out to what to attribute the decline in crime in the U.S.

This house has got to be repaired, and quickly. I just can't deal with this much longer.


  1. I left the church quite a while before my wife did and it causes a LOT of stress for both the person leaving and for the one left behind.

    If you love each other please, for both of your sake, try to stick it out.

    My wife ultimately left the church too but not before we went through Hell on Earth and almost lost our marriage.

    Now, 24 years later we are still together and happier than we ever were when we were LDS. I hope you two make it through this also.

  2. {{hugs}}

    I hope it gets sorted out soon. That sounds profoundly unpleasant.

  3. It does sound unpleasant. From what you share, it doesn't sound safe. Best of luck to you in figuring out what to do. Sometimes it takes a lot of bad to finally figure out what to do.