Friday, April 29, 2011

Walkin' on the Wild Side

Today I took the day off work and spent it with my sister.  First we stopped for coffee (brown sugar lattes at Market Street are seriously good). Then I got my ears pierced again. Woo! Two holes per ear!  Then I bought some cute boy shorts undies. And I got a couple of bottles of wine. And when I had dinner with my sisters, I had a drink (alcoholic) with dinner.  Oh--almost forgot--I wore a tank top today.  I think I just wanted to sow a whole bunch of wild oats in one day.  My adopted sister thinks it's hysterical, because my version of wild oats is beyond tame. 

And guess what? I feel fine.

You know, I've been thinking so much about all of this. My marriage is imploding, not because of the church stuff. The implosion has been long imminent.  And in the long run, I think it will be best for both me and for my husband. I'm terrified, of course.  My budget, once we split up, will be almost down to the penny, and not much room for things like clothes, movies, etc. I'll be going to work and going home. If I stay in our house, my housing expenses will be less than if I were to get an apartment by work, but the high cost of gasoline will make it even out there. If I get an apartment by my office, everything I need is right there; the apartment complex would have a fitness center and a pool; there's a fantastic grocery store, a mall, Barnes & Noble, and my main gas expenses would be for coming to Sunday lunch with my family once a week.

I don't know yet what will happen. My husband has been trying to save our marriage. But to do that he has to completely deny who and what he is. And it's not good for him. He left yesterday to visit his family in another state, and very unusually, hasn't called me once, hasn't answered my text message when I let him know our power was out today.  I don't know if he's been talking with his family about the things he and I have been talking about at home. I don't know if he's deciding that it is the right time to split up. Maybe we need to sell our crappy little house and just go our separate ways. The only thing that would make that difficult is that we have two dogs, he travels for work, and I don't think the dogs would adapt well to apartment life, if I could even take them both. One's a 60-pound border collie, and the other is an overweight 30 pound lab/dachshund mix. The border collie is getting on in age, and I don't know how much longer we're going to have her around.  I think what it would be like to just hang on in my marriage for another 6 months or so, and I suppose I could do it, but I don't know if that would be the best decision.

How do you do this? I love my husband, and he loves me, and I know that we'll always love each other. It's just not husband-and-wife love. It's agape, best friend love.

Sorry to go on and on about it.  It's about the only thing I think about right now, trying to figure out how to make things work for both of us.

But the power's back on (obviously), and I've got a book to finish reading and reviewing, as well as another book outline/draft that's due this weekend, so I need to get some sleep tonight. 

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