Friday, September 23, 2011


My best friend had a son who passed away a little over a year ago.  I loved that little boy from the day he was born, and still--and will--love him forever and always.

I had a horrible dream last night that he had come to me and told me that the world would end in one year, and that the beautiful rainbow in the sky was the last rainbow there ever would be.

Well, based on the whole rainbow thing, in my dream that meant that TSCC was really true.  But even then I couldn't believe it and could not participate.

Fortunately the dream then passed into a dream about work, which for once was far desirable than the first dream.

I believe that there are many, many beautiful, good, virtuous, lovely people who are members of the mormon church. I respect them and love them for who and what they are.  But I also believe that the foundations of the church are not what they proclaim to be. I do not believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet. I believe that he was a very charismatic leader who did whatever it took to get whatever he wanted. He was a sexual predator. I do not believe that Brigham Young was a prophet. He was absolutely foul. I do not believe that Spencer W. Kimbell was a prophet. Ever read The Miracle of Forgiveness? I wonder how many people have hated themselves, or even committed suicide, after reading that book.

I haven't posted much here because in my mind I'm so thoroughly separated from the church that I haven't really needed to vent. I have my cup or two of coffee every morning, and my husband is finally used to it enough that he doesn't complain. I go through my day without feeling that I'm a horrible person who is beyond redemption. I love my neighbours. I love my family. I don't have to be mormon to be a decent person.

I don't know what, if anything, is out there beyond this life. I guess my religious beliefs, at this moment, are aligned with Marcus Aurelius, and that's not a bad thing. I still pray, but my prayers are more like sending things out to the universe and hoping that there is perhaps a higher power who will hear me. And if not, it still comforts me to hope that there is.

I miss my best friend's son. He lit up the world just by being himself. He had a huge personality, and left a giant gaping hole when he left. But I believe that he still exists. I believe that he still has that huge personality, and deeply loving heart, and I'll get to see him again, and hug him tightly, and tell him how much I love him. And I don't believe I have to be mormon for that to happen.

C., I love you. Always have. Always will.

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