My First Shunning

It was a beautiful, beautiful day today. Not too warm, not too cold, plenty of sunshine. I had lunch with my sister and my stepmonster at Cliff's--if you are ever in Grapevine, Texas, you need to have at least one meal at Cliff's. They are just that good.--and then my sister and I took off our own direction. I'd planned to see a movie, but it turned out she had already seen it. So we just meandered.

First we went to World Market, where I got a couple of nice glass beer steins and a couple of bottles of ale. Then we stopped at Half Price Books, also known as my home away from home. My sister hasn't yet read Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, and after watching the movie she was ready to read it. Fortunately we found it there. Then we went to Barnes & Noble, also known as my second home away from home, and I got a vegan cookbook. And then it was off to Enchanted Forest, an awesome little metaphysical shop in East Fort Worth. Then I took my sister home and she gave me the AWESOMEST Christmas present: a blue Dalek coin bank. Isn't that awesome? She also gave me a large Sabrina the Teenage Witch poster that is going to get hung up in my closet tomorrow.

So on my way home I decided to stop at Ross and get an apron. I'd asked for one for Christmas (trust me--the Dalek coin bank was way cooler than an apron), and since I didn't get one I got my own. And I'd barely gotten into the store when I saw someone from church. Someone I really, really like. And she wouldn't look at me. So I went ahead past her and continued my shopping. Then I ran into her again in another part of the store, and made sure to look straight at her. She shifted around, looking one way and then another one as she determinedly pushed her cart past me. In other words, it's not that she didn't see me.

I texted my sister to tell her about it, and I have to say it really makes me sad. I've always loved this woman. I suppose I should have been expecting it, and perhaps from some other people, I would have. But not her.  Perhaps it was my sleeveless arms that offended her. I mean, I was wearing a sleeveless top.

But I know that she and her husband are amongst the elite in our ward, so that means there's no way she doesn't know I've left the church.  Obviously she finds that offensive.

And people think all apostates leave the church because we're offended. Don't make me laugh.

Sweet, Sweet Sin - Saturday Morning Edition

Coffee, that is. Today it has eggnog flavoured creamer, and it's nice. The eggnog flavour doesn't overpower the slightly bitter taste of the coffee.

And how does one make coffee taste even better?

Why, put it in one's TARDIS mug!

And since I made double the usual amount of coffee, I'm about to go refill the TARDIS mug. That means in approximately half an hour, I will be bouncing off the walls.

Mmmmmmmm. Sweet, sweet sin!

Happy New Year?

The approaching New Year's Day is the first in many years in which I haven't felt the need to become reactivated and start going to church again. I'm not saying I succeeded in the past several years, because I didn't, thank Og, but it was always there in my mind. I was going to start going to church on Sundays. I was going to start journaling. I was going to keep the Sabbath day holy, which in my warped view consisted of going to church, reading church related literature when I got home, no football on tv, and visiting friends or family. What a load of baloney! I hated going to church. My husband refused to even consider not watching football on Sundays. Reading only church related literature was boring. So you can imagine how long that lasted.

This new year, though, represents a sense of freedom that I have not felt for a very long time. No more trying to do what anyone else says I should do, no matter whether it feels right or wrong to me. (you have no power over me)

I have started standing up for myself with people who try to beat me down. I am taking back my power. I've refused to meet with my bishop, who's been trying to get me to go talk to him as he's processing my name removal. He's a nice enough person, but I don't want to meet with him (you have no power over me). I'm standing up for myself with my husband, who alternates between being incredibly kind, loving, and thoughtful and being incredibly judgmental of me, verbally and emotionally abusive, and completely out of control (you have no power over me).

I'm learning that the only way people have control or power over me is if I yield it to them. And why would I want to do that? (you have no power over me)

The answer is that I do not. I claim my life. I claim my intelligence. I claim my thoughts, my beliefs, my emotions. I claim my abilities. I claim my dreams. (you have no power over me)

The words that whatserface found so hard to remember in Labyrinth have become my rallying cry: You have no power over me.

2012 is going to be a year to remember! I'm looking forward to it with eagerness and anticipation. Change is coming, and a new me is in the process of being born. Join me for the journey, if you wish--it will be a fantastic trip!

The Book of Abraham

Last night I searched on youtube for the documentary I'd read about pertaining to the Book of Abraham. I found it, and watched the whole thing.

Having been an avid Egyptologist when I was younger, I should have known that the Book of Abraham wasn't true. I shold have recognized Anubis and Isis. I mean, when I looked at the facsimiles, they looked wrong to me, but I didn't question it. I've heard people say that it was not the papyri in his hands that Joseph Smith was translating, but that having those papyri opened up his mind so God could give him the Book of Abraham.  Of course, the text contradicts that idea right off the bat. But I believed it. Drank the sugary fruit-flavoured beverage and called it good.

I'm sick to death of being lied to. I want the truth, no matter how much it may hurt. Because in the long run, truth is what matters. I guess in coming to the realisation that TSCC is not what it proclaims to be, I have felt a bit like Helen Keller making the connection between the strange movements her teacher was using and the water that was gushing over her hands. I'm not in the dark anymore. I have a lot to learn, and miles to go before I sleep, but at least the switch has been turned on.

Tithing Settlement

I did not pay any money in tithing to the CoJCoLDS this year.

I have made charitable donations throughout the year to causes that are near and dear to my heart, or to the hearts of those who organise the fundraisers at work, including Special Olympics and Habitat for Humanity.

I have taken care of my family and close friends in ways financial and non.

I spent quite a bit of money trying to keep a terminally ill dog alive, and don't regret a penny of it. I only regret that he died so much more quickly, and so young, than we could have expected.

Personally, I feel pretty good about things. I've got some ideas in mind for 2012, but I can guarantee you that not one penny I make will voluntarily go to TSCC. And I feel very good indeed about that.

More Nightmares

Yesterday I noticed an email in my inbox from my bishop, wondering if I had the day off and if so could I please meet up with him to sign something. I assume this has to do with my resignation--I emailed him last week to let him know that if he had any questions specifically regarding my resignation he could email me, but otherwise I wanted no contact, as before. So he sent an email asking for my address at the apartment, and I responded. So I'm wondering if he was misled by my civil tone into thinking that I would meet with him at his request, and perhaps thinking that if we met and talked I might change my mind.

I ignored the request. I don't want to meet with him, and there is no real reason why I should. Of course, my husband was sitting right there beside me, as I had logged into my email at his request, to retrieve a coupon he'd had sent to me. He recognized the bishop's name, and wanted to know what was up. I just told him that I am no longer a member of the church and have absolutely no intention of ever returning. He started to get upset, but I stood firm. ("I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City . . . for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great. You have no power over me!)

And I suppose that's what led to the nightmares. I dreamed that since I didn't answer his email, he reached out to my mother, my stepfather, and my sister (who no longer considers herself a member, but who never officially resigned). So I was having to explain to my mother what was going on, and she was having a conniption fit, and my stepfather was acting, per usual, like a complete asshole. Fortunately, my sister took me to my favourite vegan restaurant and I got a grilled tofu sandwich, which I enjoyed, but I vented vented vented with her, and she was really nice and let me vent (she is very nice, and always lets me vent. I guess she's been out long enough she's past the anger stage where I seem to be thoroughly ensconced. Although I wonder if I'd be able to move past the anger stage a little more quickly if my husband weren't having cog dis and refusing to do anything. He's paralysed. It's awful.)

I was happy to wake up.

I realise that I am going to have to broach the subject with my mother, but I'm waiting until I can do it in person. It's not the sort of conversation one wants to do via email or telephone.

Oh--and here's a photo of me taken on Christmas Eve. I'm not nuts about it, but then I'm not nuts about any photos with me in them. I see all the flaws, things I'd like to change, etc.

Belief Systems

The day I first knew for absolute sure that the mormon church was not The One True Church, I was floored. I remember talking about it with my boss, who, no so coincidentally had just finished studying about the origins of the mormon church at her own church. She asked me if I believed in God and in Jesus, and I unhesitatingly said, "absolutely."  Because I did.

But as the days and weeks went by, I began questioning my belief systems. What do I really believe?  And the questions got deeper and deeper, and the answers just weren't there.

And then, all of a sudden, it's holiday time. Time to put up the Christmas tree and deck the halls with tinsel and Santa Clauses. And our nativity scene got burned in the fire. I really had to ponder what to do about a nativity scene, since I'm not so sure I believe in Jesus the way I always believed. I got lucky and found a statuette of a huge winged angel behind a simple scene of Mary, Joseph, and the baby Jesus. I could appreciate it for art's sake, if not for anything else, so I bought it.

Our friends with whom we're spending Christmas are going to church on Sunday. The Dad is singing that morning. I'm not going--not because I don't want to support him. No, I'm not going because I would feel incredibly uncomfortable in a mormon building & congregation, and because I get to go home and cook Christmas dinner. I'm cool with that. I hope they are.

I think one of the harmful things that the church did to me was instill the belief system that there had to be One True Church. So in my early days out of the church, I was still searching for that truth. I remember contacting a non-denominational Christian pastor to find out what they taught, and he blew me off. I thought maybe I could be Buddhist, so I did some research into Buddhist beliefs, and I can't buy into the whole thing, although I love my little Buddha statues because they remind me to take time to meditate, and take time to find joy. I looked into paganism, and wicca, and UU, and various other religions.

For now I have come to the conclusion that it's okay to not align myself with any particular belief system. I'm content to have questions, because I feel free to search for answers (whereas as a member of the mormon church I was taught to shelves things, and that when the prophet speaks the debate is over).

And honestly, as I said yesterday, there's no way to know what happens after death until we're dead.

So as I celebrate the Christmas season this year, I'm not necessarily celebrating the birth of Christ. I'm celebrating the closeness I feel with my family and friends. I'm celebrating the opportunity to prepare good food and feed people I love.  I'm celebrating the opportunity I have to thank people for their kindness and service. I'm celebrating the fact that for a time, at least, people tend to be a little kinder and a little more loving than usual. I'm celebrating my freedom from spiritual oppression.

So happy holidays to you and yours--whatever those holidays may be.  If you're not celebrating any holidays this time of year, then I give you my love and best wishes for peace and joy.