tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-666998525883275632024-03-13T18:46:27.586-05:00Ain't No Mo No Modisaffected member of the mormon church, leaving it behind forever.Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.comBlogger135125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-28576691596499897512012-03-15T19:33:00.000-05:002012-03-15T19:33:43.717-05:00Psychological Effects of Mormonism<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I don't recall exactly how I came across<a href="http://members.shaw.ca/blair_watson/" target="_blank"> this list</a>, but it truly struck home. There's an Ex-Mormon meet-up group in the DFW area, and Saturday night I went for the second time. It's been fantastic to have people I can talk with who've "been there, done that" without judging me.<br />
<br />
Anyway, every now and again one of us will ask a question--did you feel this? And everyone who's a former Mormon chimes in with their feelings and experiences.<br />
<br />
There are70 items on this list, and I highlighted 51 as being particularly pertinent to me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Feeling depressed (and believing that you shouldn't be depressed because you're a member of the one 'true' church of Jesus Christ).</li>
<li>Having nagging doubts about Mormonism and the LDS Church, but feeling/believing that you cannot pay attention to or explore your doubts. <b><i>Note: when I first started exploring the issues that ultimately led to my departure from the church, I felt almost handicapped because I knew I couldn't ask those questions.</i></b></li>
<li>Feeling like a stranger to yourself/wondering who the real you is. <b><i>Note: When I stopped trying to fit into the Molly Mormon mold back in 2000, it was a bizarre experience to start learning who I was. It was also hurtful how many people I considered friends dumped me because they didn't know what to do with me.</i></b></li>
<li>Feeling that you're just not good enough, no matter how hard you try or how much you sacrifice.</li>
<li>Frequently comparing yourself with other Mormons who seem to be more 'blessed'. <b><i>And feeling judged by some of those people who were more blessed, more spiritual, more obedient, worthier, blah blah blah.</i></b></li>
<li>Feeling overwhelmed with the demands of family, work, church, etc.</li>
<li>Feeling/believing that you must 'endure to the end' no matter what in order to prove your 'worthiness' to 'God'.</li>
<li>Feeling/believing that 'God' is always watching and judging you, and feeling stressed as a result. </li>
<li>Fluctuating between strict ('perfect') obedience and 'sinful' behaviour.</li>
<li>Being very critical of yourself/frequently mentally beating yourself up/self-loathing. <b><i>I'm an expert at self-loathing. Trust me--that's something the Morg taught me very well. </i></b></li>
<li>Feeling that 'God' has not forgiven you for all of your 'sins', despite having spent a lot of time praying, fasting, reading the scriptures, etc.</li>
<li>Feeling residual guilt for things you've done in the past.</li>
<li>Believing that 'Heavenly Father' gives you 'trials and tribulations' to 'test' your 'worthiness'.</li>
<li>Believing that you must always be busy/feeling guilty if you start to relax.</li>
<li>Feeling immature and naive.</li>
<li>Feeling confused when you encounter facts that conflict with teachings of the LDS Church and Mormon beliefs.</li>
<li>Living for appearances and to obtain and maintain the approval of other people at all costs.</li>
<li>Not communicating what you truly think or feel because you believe that people will disapprove of you and reject you if you did.</li>
<li>Fear of confrontation and conflict.</li>
<li>Believing that you cannot say "No" to church leaders and other members when they ask you to do something (e.g. 'offer' you a calling). <b><i>Like when I was always called to play piano because they always needed piano players, instead of calling me to things that I would have enjoyed and perhaps done better. And accepting callings that terrified me. Or that I was emotionally incapable of performing at the time.</i></b></li>
<li>Having poor personal boundaries.</li>
<li>Having an "I -am-nothing-without-God"/"I-am-a-wretched-sinner" mindset.</li>
<li>Having an "I-can-do-nothing-without-God mindset" (poor sense of personal power).</li>
<li>Feeling that you must obtain and maintain the approval of your Mormon parents, church leaders, God (as defined by Mormonism), and the LDS community. <b><i>And I still can't tell my mother my feelings about the church because her health is deteriorating at a rapid pace. I hate feeling like I have to hide myself from her, but I couldn't bear hurting her. </i></b></li>
<li>Frequently being reminded that your obedience is imperfect/inadequate, and feeling badly as a result.</li>
<li>Frequently being reminded that you are not doing enough or sacrificing enough for the church, and feeling badly as a result.</li>
<li>Repressed unrighteous feelings (e.g. anger, frustration, resentment)</li>
<li>Chronic feelings of being sinful/unclean/unworthy</li>
<li>Suppressed intuition</li>
<li>Emotional volatility/exacerbated manic-depressive (bi-polar) behaviour..</li>
<li>Chronic pessimism/joylessness.</li>
<li>Feeling that you are missing out on life.</li>
<li>Always crying when you bear your testimony/feeling a chronic sadness.</li>
<li>Feeling powerless/perceiving yourself as a victim/not taking full responsibility for your life.</li>
<li>Looking to God to rescue you from the consequences of your decisions and behaviour.</li>
<li>'Magical' thinking/believing that 'God' or Jesus will make everything better, save humanity and the Earth, etc.</li>
<li>Experiencing difficulty thinking critically and rationally.</li>
<li>Polarized/'black-and-white' thinking.</li>
<li>Experiencing a constant barrage of thoughts/restless mind.</li>
<li>Repressed intelligence/intellectual abilities.</li>
<li>Using religion as an escape from dealing with life's problems/challenges.</li>
<li>Using priesthood blessings as a quick spiritual fix, but avoiding addressing the root problem(s).</li>
<li>Feeling pressured to get married and have children.</li>
<li>Feeling that you are not fully accepted in the LDS Church because you are divorced, a single parent with children, older than your late 20's and still single, were previously disfellowshipped or excommunicated, etc. <b><i>I got married a month before I turned 27; never did succeed at having children, which I desperately wanted not necessarily for the LDS purposes, but because I love kids and wanted to have a large family.</i></b></li>
<li>Believing in the superstitions of Mormonism (e.g. 'Satan' controls the waters).</li>
<li>Feeling possessed or tormented by 'demons'.</li>
<li>Distrust of your mind, mental processes, and judgments.</li>
<li>Feeling shameful about your sexuality, sexual urges and desires, and sexual thoughts.</li>
<li>Feeling shameful about sex (involving adults, not minors) and nudity.</li>
<li>Feeling/believing that you are 'spiritually impure' and 'morally unclean' because of your sexual behaviour (past or present)</li>
<li>Feeling that sensuality/sensuousness is carnal and 'evil'</li>
</ul>
<div>
My husband is disturbed that I describe myself as agnostic. But when you look at this list of what Mormonism did to me, can you really wonder that I'm not in any hurry to find religion? I believe that, if there is a god or divine entity watching over us, that he is bigger and better and more wonderful than anything we can possibly imagine. I haven't found that god anywhere just yet. </div>
</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-63356043562547150242012-03-15T19:32:00.005-05:002012-03-15T19:32:43.720-05:00I Moved!!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I moved my blog over to wordpress, so if you're interested, you can find me at<a href="http://aintnomonomo.wordpress.com/" target="_blank"> aintnomonomo.wordpress.com</a>.<br />
<br />
Hope to see you there!</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-67819893558324937162012-02-10T19:27:00.002-06:002012-02-10T19:27:13.885-06:00Pandora's Box<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><br /></span></div>
<a href="http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1998">
<img src="http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20100912.gif" /></a>
<br />
<br />
And in other breaking news, Eve eats a pomegranate and Adam blames it on her, and all the sin that exists in the world since then is a woman's fault.<br />
<br />
Over and out.</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-42233308914470707512012-02-06T18:31:00.002-06:002012-02-06T18:37:06.949-06:00Cult? What Cult?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I'm sitting here watching an episode of Criminal Minds. The 3rd in season 4, it's about a fundy group in a Waco-type situation, with two BAU agents undercover when the raid takes place.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And it makes me think. How many TBM's would insist that the polygamy practicing offshoots of Mormonism are cults, without even recognising that they themselves are trapped in a cult? I can guarantee you that, previous to my departure, if you'd told me I was in a cult I would have thought you didn't know what you were talking about.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">But of course, you'd have been right.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I found this at<a href="http://www.rickross.com/warningsigns.html" target="_blank"> Rick Ross's website</a>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<h3 style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">
Ten warning signs of a potentially unsafe group/leader.</span></h3>
<dl style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<dl><ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Absolute authoritarianism without meaningful accountability.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">No tolerance for questions or critical inquiry.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">No meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget, expenses such as an independently audited financial statement.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Unreasonable fear about the outside world, such as impending catastrophe, evil conspiracies and persecutions.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">There is no legitimate reason to leave, former followers are always wrong in leaving, negative or even evil.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Former members often relate the same stories of abuse and reflect a similar pattern of grievances.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">There are records, books, news articles, or television programs that document the abuses of the group/leader.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Followers feel they can never be "good enough".</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The group/leader is always right.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The group/leader is the exclusive means of knowing "truth" or receiving validation, no other process of discovery is really acceptable or credible.</span></li>
</ol>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<ul><div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I found an address given by Ezra Taft Benson in 1981 at <a href="http://www.lds.org/liahona/1981/06/fourteen-fundamentals-in-following-the-prophet?lang=eng&query=prophet+speaks" target="_blank">lds.org</a> (excerpted--if you want to read the entire address, please go to the LDS website):</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><ol style="text-align: left;">
<li>The prophet is the only man who speaks for the Lord in everything.</li>
<li>The living prophet is more vital to us than the standard works.</li>
<li>The living prophet is more important to us than a dead prophet.</li>
<li>The prophet will never lead the church astray.</li>
<li>The prophet is not required to have any particular earthly training or credentials to speak on any subject or act on any matter at any time.</li>
<li>The prophet does not have to say "Thus Saith the Lord" to give us scripture.</li>
<li>The prophet tells us what we need to know, not always what we want to know.</li>
<li>The prophet is not limited by men's reasoning.</li>
<li>The prophet can receive revelation on any matter, temporal or spiritual.</li>
<li>The prophet may advise on civic matters.</li>
<li>The two groups who have the greatest difficulty in following the prophet are the proud who are learned and the proud who are rich.</li>
<li>The prophet will not necessarily be popular with the world or the worldly.</li>
<li>The prophet and his counselors make up the First Presidency--the highest quorum in the Church.</li>
<li>The prophet and the presidency--the living prophet and the First Presidency--follow them and be blessed--reject them and suffer.</li>
</ol>
</span><div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Follow them and be blessed--reject them and suffer."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">That says it all, doesn't it? </span></div>
</dl>
</dl>
</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-76161098790292277322012-01-27T17:35:00.004-06:002012-01-27T17:35:49.684-06:00The Anger!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It still surprises me when I'm talking with someone, and the anger hits. Anger about the lies. Anger about the ways they try to control people. Anger that I bought into it for so long.<br />
<br />
That happened just now. Talking with my husband. I don't want to be an angry person. My sister says it'll pass. I hope she's right.</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-85493911324510838452012-01-19T17:27:00.003-06:002012-01-19T17:27:24.468-06:00A picture is worth a thousand words<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I found this at <a href="http://lolgod.blogspot.com/2012/01/how-leaving-religion-feels-like.html" target="_blank">lolgod</a>.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2Lgj6FLTiF3zZt-JbvF2tDHGtjiCyDnlUkTUTY7wHvNWHuWqYWmZyBdinEDpUH294u3tQB6SAZSZK2bxHgDlAD7WH-sI5Kqo4O0nM4J_OT1JcgSI1P3gfpT7-XsKM3AjTVusuFTZ8NQ/s1600/DkIdI.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="401" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2Lgj6FLTiF3zZt-JbvF2tDHGtjiCyDnlUkTUTY7wHvNWHuWqYWmZyBdinEDpUH294u3tQB6SAZSZK2bxHgDlAD7WH-sI5Kqo4O0nM4J_OT1JcgSI1P3gfpT7-XsKM3AjTVusuFTZ8NQ/s640/DkIdI.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How leaving religion feels like</td></tr>
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Yep.</div>
</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-20373980874255281842012-01-15T13:26:00.001-06:002012-01-15T13:26:19.974-06:00What a Lovely Sunday!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Slept in a wee bit, played wii (bowling), watched a little tv with my husband, drank 3 cups of coffee and had baked beans for brunch. Now I'm watching documentaries on netflix.<br />
<br />
Since I was glorying in the beautiful cosmos this past week, let's take a look at some of the beyond beautiful things in the depths of the ocean today.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8e7W1mBADkcxliUXVb4YYpGZOXS6ONR2JZNjmXzhyphenhyphen1HVtc1Egl3mjAbSUQyIT2ZDLwrbH_s-HxdRpUycHeTdFURBoQeN6qV3jVZKjGrQ-UphUprERSamjs9buTbba1MTQip0ZKcqyUA/s1600/48602scr-ocean.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8e7W1mBADkcxliUXVb4YYpGZOXS6ONR2JZNjmXzhyphenhyphen1HVtc1Egl3mjAbSUQyIT2ZDLwrbH_s-HxdRpUycHeTdFURBoQeN6qV3jVZKjGrQ-UphUprERSamjs9buTbba1MTQip0ZKcqyUA/s320/48602scr-ocean.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjehyphenhyphenO7XR75zkYk7MGVjnrZJ_Ydq84uRdWlQhvlVeJeafxxrIoEar33zUHp6uBc6YvZnnYx78ykzNOFm2nmhHOsUpKYtl90yfL3Iv_iGQ7lg_b-1UV-UXkd49Hua4cmD3YCKDVmY_-uNw/s1600/070517142603-large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjehyphenhyphenO7XR75zkYk7MGVjnrZJ_Ydq84uRdWlQhvlVeJeafxxrIoEar33zUHp6uBc6YvZnnYx78ykzNOFm2nmhHOsUpKYtl90yfL3Iv_iGQ7lg_b-1UV-UXkd49Hua4cmD3YCKDVmY_-uNw/s320/070517142603-large.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6poxeV2hbPTZPD_vgBCvlsC_4qJ-oqTTS7X3DsQJzuVejd3iYmRA9bvDseGbWJwe_e03xuNhE9Uto-wwmkFzk97eNn8zsXJ9qsGI3OXiQJ7rFep8vhZbJlKTcu6zlUE6NI2AVFhdDYA/s1600/coral-reef-red.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6poxeV2hbPTZPD_vgBCvlsC_4qJ-oqTTS7X3DsQJzuVejd3iYmRA9bvDseGbWJwe_e03xuNhE9Uto-wwmkFzk97eNn8zsXJ9qsGI3OXiQJ7rFep8vhZbJlKTcu6zlUE6NI2AVFhdDYA/s320/coral-reef-red.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg9ZrETufoZZWMxkrP1to40xzflNlm41rXv0BMOl5SspJOJUFJ00iP5ctkD3K7fwIzFU1ka6lDwrLgd4e_rm_azRn1fcF5ocuGYlWz911nu6wW1zTF1JksyXMeVcODm4ubpt0Om-uPNw/s1600/sea+turtles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg9ZrETufoZZWMxkrP1to40xzflNlm41rXv0BMOl5SspJOJUFJ00iP5ctkD3K7fwIzFU1ka6lDwrLgd4e_rm_azRn1fcF5ocuGYlWz911nu6wW1zTF1JksyXMeVcODm4ubpt0Om-uPNw/s1600/sea+turtles.jpg" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDiQ3WqLBELey63xm5xJ3HhZjsIiZ2goSk3UDDlSBYv9wvg9VCBexflHcLuv4LDHd342XQ-elhWRY_cePFidtCyxn4vKEpI-Hg0UYqFrrw85RLqMko1zGDbpCZenhNIou6GkTGx-8BAQ/s1600/st.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDiQ3WqLBELey63xm5xJ3HhZjsIiZ2goSk3UDDlSBYv9wvg9VCBexflHcLuv4LDHd342XQ-elhWRY_cePFidtCyxn4vKEpI-Hg0UYqFrrw85RLqMko1zGDbpCZenhNIou6GkTGx-8BAQ/s320/st.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYWplsFJ_6ILJss0VwRmmGjNvX5gcpc70PsDsaadj3BUK-tZcVIekuRI8mSsYzMc6VhLf51dHI3y2dRpX5tbTc5c3SzoeGXOTClzRxSOrSweYtb13i31ZcSWM_B28Bfa6DHMmFh0FDSw/s1600/underwater_museum_statues_cancun_mexico6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYWplsFJ_6ILJss0VwRmmGjNvX5gcpc70PsDsaadj3BUK-tZcVIekuRI8mSsYzMc6VhLf51dHI3y2dRpX5tbTc5c3SzoeGXOTClzRxSOrSweYtb13i31ZcSWM_B28Bfa6DHMmFh0FDSw/s320/underwater_museum_statues_cancun_mexico6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I still say, what a wonderful world.<br />
<br />
It's okay to say, "I don't know" when you're asked or are asking how the universe and this planet came about. It's good to study and learn, but it's also okay to just observe and be awed by the grandeur and majesty and glory and beauty and mystery.</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-27531502258470137672012-01-10T10:23:00.002-06:002012-01-10T10:23:49.123-06:00More Stardust Thoughts<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Are you a Doctor Who fan? If so, have you ever watched the Doctor (or anyone else on the show) regenerate? Vast bursts of light stream from his head, arms, legs, and he is burning with energy.<br />
<br />
As I was watching a show about supernovae last night, thinking of how we're created from stardust, thinking of the neutrinos running through our bodies, I couldn't help but remember my patriarchal blessing and its claims that I was created from intelligence.<br />
<br />
Intelligence, stardust, tomato, tomahto. At least that's what I think I'd hear if I were to ask a TBM about it, unless said TBM were a scientist, and an intelligent one at that, who actually believes the scientific evidence over the ramblings of an old man with no scientific background.<br />
<br />
So let yourself feel the stardust. Wave a friendly hello to the neutrinos that are running up your legs. Be part of something vast. It's really cool. Trust me. I'm the Doctor. (I wish.)<br />
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</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-22845452126473699742012-01-10T00:30:00.000-06:002012-01-10T00:30:04.231-06:00We Are Stardust<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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"We are stardust. We are golden. We are billion year old carbon."</div>
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I no longer believe in The Garden. But man--it's a beautiful world!</div>
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<br /></div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-10486065576326320862012-01-09T10:30:00.003-06:002012-01-09T10:30:59.393-06:00A Little Good Advice<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Have I mentioned I've been browsing the archives of <a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/unreasonablefaith/" target="_blank">Unreasonable Faith</a>? I came across this <a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/unreasonablefaith/2009/05/advice-to-ex-muslims-from-ex-muslims/" target="_blank">post</a> this morning, and just wanted to share and adapt it. As originally written, it is advice to ex Muslims from ex Muslims. However, it can easily be directed to ex Mormons, or exes of any religion, especially one that has cultish characteristics. I realise that "cult" is a pejorative word, and previous to March 2011, if someone had described the mormon church as a cult, I would have hotly defended it. Not so much anymore.<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><strong>Embrace Your Anger </strong>— “You were lied to. You were betrayed. You were fooled. You have the right to be angry.”</li>
<li><strong>Get Over Your Regret</strong> — “Kick yourself in the ass a few times. Mourn everything you lost. But pick yourself up and get on with it. You already wasted time — don’t waste more drowning yourself in your sorrows.” </li>
<li><strong>Hold Steady </strong>— “Create a support network, and try to stay away from intense debates with mormons.”</li>
<li><strong>Be Cautious About Religion</strong> — “Even if you still believe in some sort of god or gods, you should probably take it easy with religion, at least for a while. Otherwise, you may be setting yourself up for a pattern of devotion, disillusionment, and disbelief.”</li>
<li><strong>Live Your Life in Color </strong>— “Life without mormonism can be a marvelous, beautiful thing. I urge you to take the opportunity to do things you couldn’t or wouldn’t do before when and how you can.”</li>
</ol>
Okay, so the only adaptation I made was to change the word Muslim to the word mormon. And now my own personal commentary:<br />
<br />
Anger--that's a big one. It's something I'm dealing with on a frequent basis. I won't say that I'm always angry, because I'm not. But every now and then, as I'm doing some research and find something particularly outrageous, my hot head prevails and I get absolutely furious. Blogging here helps. I found an awesome exmo meetup group and went for the first time on Saturday night--that helped, talking to people who've been there, done that, have the tee shirt and threw it away. Don't stress if you're angry a lot. Know that it's part of the recovery process. If you find you're uncontrollably angry, maybe you want to blog, or talk. Anyone reading this is welcome to email me privately any time at aintnomonomo(at)gmail(dot)com. My name is Faith.<br />
<br />
Regret--I regret that I gave the mormon church 30 years of my life. I regret all the living I missed out on because I was trying to be the perfect molly mormon, or, as I now refer to it, the stepford morgbot. I regret the people I tried to convert, and I'm so glad no one ever did. I will say that I'm glad of the one lesson I strived with all my heart to get across to the young women I briefly taught: Your life may not turn out the way you anticipate, but that doesn't mean it can't be a good life. <br />
<br />
Hold steady--find a meetup group, if one exists near you. If one doesn't, start it. Find a forum where you feel safe. I'm a new regular at Ex-Mormon Forums, and I love it. The meetup group was fantastic. Half of us there Saturday night were exmos, and the other half were interested in the church and how it functions and how it brainwashes its members.<br />
<br />
Be cautious about religion--because the church teaches that it is the One True Church (tm), my first reaction was to find the REAL One True Church. There isn't one, in my opinion. I immediately started looking up non-denominational Christian churches, but when I contacted one pastor only to be blown off by him, I got a little frustrated. And I kept reading and researching. Right now I'm leaning toward agnostic atheist, but the agnostic part is the greater--I don't know. I don't believe anyone can know. Christopher Hitchens was brilliant before he died; after he died, he knows everything that we don't. I'm cool with being an agnostic atheist right now, and I reserve the right to disagree with anything I say, because there may come a day when I'll find a different belief system that works for me.<br />
<br />
Live your life in colour--Spend some time at YouTube. Look up the "What a Wonderful World" video by David Attenborough. Look up bird mating dances. Look up the bird who does the moonwalk. Look up the otters holding hands. Read. Study. Drink a margarita. Laugh loudly and be lightminded. Dance. Explore this amazing world we live in. Create art. Finger paint. Buy coloured underwear. Take candlelit bubble baths, and have a glass of wine handy. Read books you never would have read before, and realise how beautiful this world is.</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-16315175406821710302012-01-09T07:10:00.006-06:002012-01-09T07:10:23.063-06:00WTF?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Also known as my favourite pair of undies. Boldly coloured, black trim, with a silver WTF emblazoned across the black.<br />
<br />
Also known as my response upon reading a friend's FB status stating that Tim Tebow is like King David of old, always giving God credit whether things go well or badly. Seriously? David? Tebow: professional football player, i.e., gets paid for playing a game. King David (if you believe the bible) killed Goliath to end a war, fought a whole other lot of wars, became king, impregnated another man's wife and then sent that man to be killed to cover his sin, and had all his family suffer as a result of said sin. I'm not sure Tebow would be flattered by the comparison. Or maybe he would. It seems like too many people worship and adore David because to them, what he did right outweighs what he did wrong. Like murder.<br />
<br />
Also known as my response when my alarm went off this morning in the midst of a very stressful dream. I was glad to wake up from the dream, but not glad to have to get out of bed and go to work.<br />
<br />
Okay. Logging off now and going to work. Grrrr. I could use some quality sleep.</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-46242705414863333742012-01-07T00:30:00.000-06:002012-01-07T00:30:02.659-06:00I Am I<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Years ago, and I do mean YEARS ago, I was singing in the choir in our ward. The choir director brought out a song and I was the only person who liked it, and it seems like we ended up not doing it. I no longer have the music, and I only remember a few lines, but they strike me as much now as they did then:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<em>"Who am I, this being that I am, who walks the earth midst beings as myself? Born was I of parents; who are they? Why do I exist to walk a while and then depart? Who am I, who takes up time and space, whose motions vacillate, some bad, some good...."</em></blockquote>
<strong><em>Who am I? </em></strong><br />
<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>I am Faith. That's my name, and it's a name I chose for myself, and thanks to my sister and my soul sister, it's my legal first name. </li>
<li>I'm heavier than I'd like to be, but quite a bit less heavy than I was this time last year. </li>
<li>I'm a writer. </li>
<li>I'm a fair pianist. </li>
<li>I'm a mother to two angel babies and to my furbabies (3 at the Rainbow Bridge and one in my home). </li>
<li>I'm a wife. </li>
<li>I'm a sister. </li>
<li>I'm a sister-in-law. </li>
<li>I'm a daughter. </li>
<li>I'm an aunt, even a grand aunt.</li>
<li>I'm a friend. </li>
<li>I'm an operational controls assistant for an automotive finance company arm of a bank. </li>
<li>I have a love-hate relationship with housework. </li>
<li>I love fashion, but fashion my way, not necessarily the fashion you'd find in <em>Vogue.</em> </li>
<li>I love to cook and bake. </li>
<li>I love reading, and if I could find a paying job that involved cooking and baking and reading, I'd be in heaven. </li>
<li>I love teaching, but the lack of certification keeps me from making a career out of it. And I don't want it badly enough to go back to university. </li>
<li>I love kids, and kids love me back. If you come into the room with a baby, I'm going to ask for it, and that baby's going to be happy with me, until it's time for a diaper change or feeding, at which point I will gladly hand him/her right back to you.</li>
<li>I love acting, even though I'm not very good at it. </li>
<li>I love singing, although I do my best singing when no one is around to listen. </li>
<li>I love interior design. </li>
<li>I listen to audio books when I'm driving, as that keeps me occupied and far less likely to scream profanities at other drivers.</li>
<li>I love dressing people--as in, I'll go to the store with you, tell you what to try on, tell you what looks good and what sucks, and you're going to look fabulous! </li>
<li>I love doing research. </li>
<li>I'm one of the fastest typists you'll ever meet. </li>
<li>Off and on, I'm a vegetarian/vegan. Right now I'm on. </li>
<li>I love dancing even though I completely suck at it, and don't do it anywhere but home. Unless I'm at the grocery store, where for some reason I feel compelled to dance through the aisles. Go figure. </li>
<li>I have bipolar depression and have to take medicine for it, but it helps, so I take it. I also have a wee touch of OCD and anxiety, so I normally prefer staying home to going out and being surrounded by a lot of people. And when I go to certain places, like Target, I have to go through the store in a certain order, and it causes me physical discomfort if I am not allowed to do so.</li>
<li>I love my friends fiercely, and I won't let anyone talk smack about my friends or family. </li>
<li>I ask a lot of questions. </li>
<li>I'm willing to say "I don't know" when I don't know. Of course, then I'm going to go try to find out. </li>
<li>I'm a good listener. </li>
<li>I frequently say things that I think are funny, but no one else does. I crack me up, in fact.</li>
<li>I suck at math.</li>
<li>I'm an exceedingly amateur Egyptologist--was fascinated with Egyptology as a kid and through many of my adult years, although I've since lost interest.</li>
<li>I was passionately in love with F. Scott Fitzgerald when I was in high school, and read everything he ever wrote, and grieved over how his life turned out and how he died. I used to have a set of statues that I named Scott and Zelda, and they went with me from Fort Worth to Galveston to Austin to Utah, and I ended up giving them to a roommate in Utah who loved them as much as I did.</li>
<li>I love to play games, but have trouble finding people to play them with me. Especially trivial pursuit, because I have amazing amounts of trivia in my brain.</li>
<li>I tend to quote Boethius in thank-you notes.</li>
<li>I've also read everything that Geoffrey Chaucer ever wrote. </li>
<li>I quote Shakespeare at the drop of a hat. </li>
<li>My former boss and I will randomly send each other emails or texts asking for our two dollars, or informing each other "now that's a real shame, when folks be throwing away a perfectly good white boy like that," or asking what the street value of that snow-covered mountain is. Kudos if you know what movie we're referring to. And for the record, the last time I asked for my two dollars, he said he spent it, and will have to find another two dollars for me.</li>
<li>I'm kind of an intellectual snob, even though I'm not all that intellectual.</li>
<li>Misplaced apostrophes and misspellings drive me up a wall, as does modifying absolutes. I've been known to walk into a shop and point out the grammatical errors in their brochures or on their signs. I have also been known to correct the punctuations on signs that one finds inside ladies' room cubicles. And I'm highly embarrassed to admit that I once corrected the spelling, grammar, and punctuation on a love letter when I was in junior high school. My sister, knowing how I am when it comes to grammar, frequently uses absolutely ghastly grammar just to watch me twitch.</li>
<li>I love art and photography, but I don't necessarily know how to translate my inner vision to a finished project. </li>
<li>I love music--it makes me really happy, and every time I find a new artist to enjoy, it makes me even happier. I like to sing karaoke, although probably everyone within earshot is frantically plugging their ears in an effort to block the noise coming out of my mouth.</li>
<li>I loathe romantic comedies, and it is damn hard for anyone to persuade me to watch one. I also don't like reading romances. </li>
<li>On the other hand, I love scary movies, if they're scary without being gory, because I don't care for the blood and guts stuff. </li>
</ul>
<br />
And that's just a little bit of who I am. Scratching the surface. You could compare me with every other person on this planet, and there wouldn't be one other person exactly like me. You could compare yourself with every other person on this planet, and there wouldn't be one other person exactly like you.<br />
<br />
How can someone say that God created us all with his power and glory, only to damn us eternally if we don't follow some specific plan that seems designed to turn us all into little Stepford morgbots? Why would God create us at all, knowing that we would all be damned forever if his son didn't come to earth, live a perfect life, give himself for us, and thus save us if we believe? <br />
<br />
I'm not a mother, in the sense that I don't have children living on this earth. I did IVF back in 2000, only to lose the two precious embryos that were transferred into my womb. But I can tell you that I loved those two babies more than anything on this earth. They were my treasures. I would have done anything to stay pregnant, and if I'd managed to carry them to term and bring them to life, I would have done anything to keep them safe and healthy and happy and strong and smart and to keep them with me until it was time for them to go and start their own families. I don't know whether there is a God or not--I don't think anyone can know for sure until s/he has died and knows of a certainty--but if there is a God, how can s/he not love each of us as fiercely as I loved those two bundles of cells that I got to carry for less than two weeks? <br />
<br />
Who am I? I'll answer with another song that has always been meaningful to me:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<em>I am I, Don Quijote, the Lord of La Mancha!</em><br />
<em>My destiny calls and I go!</em><br />
<em>And the wild winds of fortune will carry me onward</em><br />
<em>Whithersoever they blow.</em><br />
<em>Onward to glory I go!</em></blockquote>
<br />
My destiny is calling, and I'm being tossed by the wild winds of fortune. And when my life is over, I will go to whatever comes next, and rejoice in the journey. "Come along with me; the best is yet to be."</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-42418936585993655602012-01-06T09:17:00.000-06:002012-01-06T09:17:06.725-06:00Homosexuality and Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I remember the first time I saw two men kissing each other. I was probably 10 or 11, living in Albany, Georgia. We were at a picnic area by the Flint River, where my father's company was having a fish fry. My mother made the best hush puppies, so even if you didn't like fried catfish (and why wouldn't you?), it was worth it for the hush puppies alone. My friend and I were running all over the place, and as we dashed through the parking lot, we saw two men kissing, tenderly and lovingly. I didn't know anything about homosexuality, and my friend and I giggled, thinking how weird they were.<br />
<br />
When I had my first job out of high school, I had a huge crush on someone at work. He was a beautiful man. Blond hair and austere grey eyes. I confessed my crush to a co-worker, who laughed at me. "He's gay," she said, and I didn't understand. Looking back, I realise that I was remarkably naive. <br />
<br />
I had become a mormon by then, and was a very TBM. And as I became aware of homosexuality and what it was, I toed the party line. "It isn't good to be alone, it isn't good, and when you find someone to love you really should join hands and be together," to quote Janice Kapp Perry (I believe--too lazy to go double-check). And joining hands and being together meant a man and a woman. That's all. Anything else was wrong, wrong, wrong. <br />
<br />
And then I learned about AIDS, and how devastating a disease it was, and although I don't remember looking upon it as God's judgment on homosexuals, I still thought being homosexual was wrong.<br />
<br />
I remember writing a letter to the student newspaper at the University of Utah protesting the thought of homosexual parents adopting children. It makes me cringe now--some of the best parents I know are gay, and I understand now that being a good parent has nothing to do with your sexual identity.<br />
<br />
I worked for the School of Social Work at a university, and got to know a lot of lesbians, and they are fantastic women, and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to get to know them. And some of the people I met online are homosexual, and people I've met through theatre are homosexual, and my life is so much richer for having them in it. <br />
<br />
I felt so floored last night when my internet buddy (who is no longer a buddy either on facebook or on a group to which I belonged until last night) posted that horrible self-righteous question about whether we should get over the fact that some people are murderers. I don't think I would have ever felt that way about it, although since it's the person I am now speaking, I could be wrong. I hope I'm not. I hope that I would have never compared homosexuality to murder or any other crime. <br />
<br />
A very large cause of cognitive dissonance for me over the last 10 years or so was the issue of homosexuality and how the church leaders viewed it. Because by then my personal beliefs were so completely opposite. I respected people whether they were homosexual or heterosexual. So I kept trying to understand how the church could say homosexuality is a sin, but I couldn't make myself believe it. I wobbled back and forth, trying to make everything match up. But it wouldn't. I tried thinking that I was the one who was wrong, but I couldn't believe it. I tried to say, well, that's how it is here on earth, and God will sort everything out. But I couldn't believe it. <br />
<br />
So when everything fell apart for me, religion-wise, this past spring, the first thing I felt was this huge weight rolling off of my shoulders. If I tell you now that I believe this or that, I really genuinely believe it. I don't have to condemn people because of things that they have no control over. I realised that if someone told me I had to be homosexual, and they sent me to therapy and did the horrible things that have been done to homosexuals in the name of turning them straight, I still wouldn't and couldn't be homosexual. So what right do I have to insist that a homosexual person is wrong, and s/he could become heterosexual if s/he tried hard enough? No right. None whatsoever.<br />
<br />
I am deeply ashamed for any negative things I have said regarding homosexuals and homosexuality in the past. I am so sorry. Obviously I cannot go back and undo any of that, or any of the harm I did in the past. But here and now I stand up and say enough. I will never do that again. If I lose friends because of it, then sobeit. I don't want to be friends with narrow-minded bigots. <br />
<br />
What's that little saying--a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still? I realise I can't convince anyone against his/her will. The facebook exchange last night showed me that. There's nothing I can say or do to change that woman's mind. I think she is miserably unhappy, and doesn't realise how much of that misery comes from the church and the beliefs she holds as a result. And I'm so sorry for her. But no one is going to get on my facebook wall and tear down other human beings. </div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-22924846537070701442012-01-05T20:03:00.003-06:002012-01-05T20:03:42.664-06:00Last Post Today, I Promise<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I've been spending rather a lot of time going through the archives of Unreasonable Faith, and I came across a photo of the luscious Sir Ian McKellen in a tee shirt with the logo, "Some people are gay. Get over it." And I liked the sentiment as much as I adore the wearer, so I shared it on my facebook page. I haven't come out of the exmo closet yet, and still have a few friends and plenty of family who are active Mormons.<br />
<br />
I noticed while I was browsing my fb feed earlier that one of my internet verymo friends was talking about the pain it causes a mother when her children leave not only for life but for eternity. Her oldest son and his wife, who had been living with them, apparently moved out under less than desirable circumstances. And based on her somewhat cryptic posts, it sounded as though religion might have a lot to do with it.<br />
<br />
So it shouldn't have surprised me when, not too long after I posted the photo of Sir Ian (about whom I had a delectable dream once, and trust me when I tell you he was most decidedly NOT gay in that dream), she said that she knew it would be an unpopular opinion, but what if she said some people are murderers. Get over it.<br />
<br />
WTF?<br />
<br />
She left another couple of uneducated unkind comments as I responded to her idiocy. So I unfriended her. I apologised to my gay friends. I told my fb peeps that if I offend them, they are welcome to unfriend me, but I believe in loving people.<br />
<br />
I can't come totally out as an exmo until I can get to Utah and visit my mother, which won't be until later this year. It's going to devastate her, and I'd rather be able to talk to her in person. I'd just as soon not have the big discussion with her, but I have to be honest.<br />
<br />
My stomach hurts.</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-40190592036740941552012-01-05T12:08:00.000-06:002012-01-05T12:08:04.763-06:00Which is Worse?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
In a fit of fury last night, brought on by the fact that he was too stressed out about a movie I was watching (Freakonomics, for the record, puh-leeze), my husband screamed at me about what terrible things I look at online and how I've abandoned my religion and I've abandoned god and I've abandoned jesus and I've abandoned my faith.<br />
<br />
Well, first off, I was pretty damned angry that he'd been looking through my browser history. I use Google Chrome, whereas he tends to use Internet Explorer. And yeah, I've been looking up things about different religions, and atheism, and exmormonism, etc. And I love learning, so I'm usually looking up information about whatever has caught my fancy. <br />
<br />
I've seen his browser history a time or two, before he started automatically deleting it whenever he exited IE. I find my history a lot less offensive than his, and that's all I'm saying about that. So I guess for now I'll follow his example, and clear my history whenever I shut down my computer. <br />
<br />
I wanted to scream last night when he said he still believes the mormon church is true. It's because it's so outrageously awful, that it must be true, according to him. <br />
<br />
What's wrong with recognising something foul when you see its foulness? What's wrong with searching for answers when you have nothing but questions? What's wrong with plainly stating, "I don't know"? Why is everything I do wrong, and everything he does right? Why is it that when he's in town, and home all day, I'm still expected to go to work every day and then do all the housework? <br />
<br />
I'm feeling incredibly frustrated today. I told him that we just need to split up and be done with it, and he says that he loves me, and we need to wait until the house is taken care of. Well, I love him too, but that doesn't change the fact that he's just unbearable for me to live with. Yeah, I can see the wisdom in waiting until the house is settled, but I'm not planning on sticking around to continue to get screamed at out of the blue for something completely innocent that he happens to take offense to. Like watching Freakonomics. You'd have thought I was watching something where people were being murdered every 5 seconds, and the heroes were satan worshippers and there were conspiracy theories abounding and women were getting raped and children were being harmed. Nope. Just learning how an economist was able to identify, through the use of statistics, cheating going on in sumo wrestling. How he figured out to what to attribute the decline in crime in the U.S. <br />
<br />
This house has got to be repaired, and quickly. I just can't deal with this much longer. </div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-49653889276863488522012-01-04T16:08:00.000-06:002012-01-04T16:08:04.863-06:00Prayer<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
During lunch today my bff and I were discussing prayer. Like, how does it get decided which prayer gets answered in the way the supplicant wishes it to be answered? I mean, when I was going through the IVF, and some other woman was going through it, how did it get decided that she was going to successfully get pregnant and I would lose my babies? Or take it down to a lower level--a high school football team, members on both teams praying for a win. Obviously only one team will win. <br />
<br />
And then I found this. <br />
<br />
<img alt="" class="aligncenter size-large wp-image-14860" height="393" src="http://wp.patheos.com/blogs/unreasonablefaith/files/2011/01/atheist-eve-jan-2011-590x393.jpg" width="590" /><br />
<br />
Yeah.</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-27267584675365275172011-12-31T18:18:00.003-06:002011-12-31T18:41:11.931-06:00My First Shunning<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It was a beautiful, beautiful day today. Not too warm, not too cold, plenty of sunshine. I had lunch with my sister and my stepmonster at Cliff's--if you are ever in Grapevine, Texas, you need to have at least one meal at Cliff's. They are just that good.--and then my sister and I took off our own direction. I'd planned to see a movie, but it turned out she had already seen it. So we just meandered.<br />
<br />
First we went to World Market, where I got a couple of nice glass beer steins and a couple of bottles of ale. Then we stopped at Half Price Books, also known as my home away from home. My sister hasn't yet read <i>Girl With the Dragon Tattoo</i>, and after watching the movie she was ready to read it. Fortunately we found it there. Then we went to Barnes & Noble, also known as my second home away from home, and I got a vegan cookbook. And then it was off to Enchanted Forest, an awesome little metaphysical shop in East Fort Worth. Then I took my sister home and she gave me the AWESOMEST Christmas present: a blue Dalek coin bank. Isn't that awesome? She also gave me a large Sabrina the Teenage Witch poster that is going to get hung up in my closet tomorrow.<br />
<br />
So on my way home I decided to stop at Ross and get an apron. I'd asked for one for Christmas (trust me--the Dalek coin bank was way cooler than an apron), and since I didn't get one I got my own. And I'd barely gotten into the store when I saw someone from church. Someone I really, really like. And she wouldn't look at me. So I went ahead past her and continued my shopping. Then I ran into her again in another part of the store, and made sure to look straight at her. She shifted around, looking one way and then another one as she determinedly pushed her cart past me. In other words, it's not that she didn't see me.<br />
<br />
I texted my sister to tell her about it, and I have to say it really makes me sad. I've always loved this woman. I suppose I should have been expecting it, and perhaps from some other people, I would have. But not her. Perhaps it was my sleeveless arms that offended her. I mean, I was wearing a sleeveless top.<br />
<br />
But I know that she and her husband are amongst the elite in our ward, so that means there's no way she doesn't know I've left the church. Obviously she finds that offensive.<br />
<br />
And people think all apostates leave the church because we're offended. Don't make me laugh.</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-44065934801986697512011-12-31T11:00:00.001-06:002011-12-31T11:00:28.039-06:00Sweet, Sweet Sin - Saturday Morning Edition<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Coffee, that is. Today it has eggnog flavoured creamer, and it's nice. The eggnog flavour doesn't overpower the slightly bitter taste of the coffee.<br />
<br />
And how does one make coffee taste even better?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--IIRxgycnSU/Tv8_TF__utI/AAAAAAAAABE/jlDD__-_hkU/s1600/tardis+mug.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--IIRxgycnSU/Tv8_TF__utI/AAAAAAAAABE/jlDD__-_hkU/s320/tardis+mug.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
Why, put it in one's TARDIS mug!<br />
<br />
And since I made double the usual amount of coffee, I'm about to go refill the TARDIS mug. That means in approximately half an hour, I will be bouncing off the walls.<br />
<br />
Mmmmmmmm. Sweet, sweet sin!</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-47261486666812447802011-12-30T08:30:00.001-06:002011-12-30T08:30:38.742-06:00Happy New Year?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The approaching New Year's Day is the first in many years in which I haven't felt the need to become reactivated and start going to church again. I'm not saying I succeeded in the past several years, because I didn't, thank Og, but it was always there in my mind. I was going to start going to church on Sundays. I was going to start journaling. I was going to keep the Sabbath day holy, which in my warped view consisted of going to church, reading church related literature when I got home, no football on tv, and visiting friends or family. What a load of baloney! I hated going to church. My husband refused to even consider not watching football on Sundays. Reading only church related literature was boring. So you can imagine how long that lasted.<br />
<br />
This new year, though, represents a sense of freedom that I have not felt for a very long time. No more trying to do what anyone else says I should do, no matter whether it feels right or wrong to me. (you have no power over me)<br />
<br />
I have started standing up for myself with people who try to beat me down. I am taking back my power. I've refused to meet with my bishop, who's been trying to get me to go talk to him as he's processing my name removal. He's a nice enough person, but I don't want to meet with him (you have no power over me). I'm standing up for myself with my husband, who alternates between being incredibly kind, loving, and thoughtful and being incredibly judgmental of me, verbally and emotionally abusive, and completely out of control (you have no power over me). <br />
<br />
I'm learning that the only way people have control or power over me is if I yield it to them. And why would I want to do that? (you have no power over me)<br />
<br />
The answer is that I do not. I claim my life. I claim my intelligence. I claim my thoughts, my beliefs, my emotions. I claim my abilities. I claim my dreams. (you have no power over me)<br />
<br />
The words that whatserface found so hard to remember in Labyrinth have become my rallying cry: You have no power over me.<br />
<br />
2012 is going to be a year to remember! I'm looking forward to it with eagerness and anticipation. Change is coming, and a new me is in the process of being born. Join me for the journey, if you wish--it will be a fantastic trip!</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-6795955308916795332011-12-29T14:36:00.001-06:002011-12-29T14:36:59.177-06:00The Book of Abraham<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Last night I searched on youtube for the documentary I'd read about pertaining to the Book of Abraham. I found it, and watched the whole thing. <br />
<br />
Having been an avid Egyptologist when I was younger, I should have known that the Book of Abraham wasn't true. I shold have recognized Anubis and Isis. I mean, when I looked at the facsimiles, they looked wrong to me, but I didn't question it. I've heard people say that it was not the papyri in his hands that Joseph Smith was translating, but that having those papyri opened up his mind so God could give him the Book of Abraham. Of course, the text contradicts that idea right off the bat. But I believed it. Drank the sugary fruit-flavoured beverage and called it good. <br />
<br />
I'm sick to death of being lied to. I want the truth, no matter how much it may hurt. Because in the long run, truth is what matters. I guess in coming to the realisation that TSCC is not what it proclaims to be, I have felt a bit like Helen Keller making the connection between the strange movements her teacher was using and the water that was gushing over her hands. I'm not in the dark anymore. I have a lot to learn, and miles to go before I sleep, but at least the switch has been turned on. <br />
<br />
</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-47007693834857872062011-12-28T00:30:00.000-06:002011-12-28T00:30:00.413-06:00Tithing Settlement<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I did not pay any money in tithing to the CoJCoLDS this year.<br />
<br />
I have made charitable donations throughout the year to causes that are near and dear to my heart, or to the hearts of those who organise the fundraisers at work, including Special Olympics and Habitat for Humanity.<br />
<br />
I have taken care of my family and close friends in ways financial and non.<br />
<br />
I spent quite a bit of money trying to keep a terminally ill dog alive, and don't regret a penny of it. I only regret that he died so much more quickly, and so young, than we could have expected.<br />
<br />
Personally, I feel pretty good about things. I've got some ideas in mind for 2012, but I can guarantee you that not one penny I make will voluntarily go to TSCC. And I feel very good indeed about that.</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-18190411728533708852011-12-27T08:29:00.001-06:002011-12-27T08:44:07.015-06:00More Nightmares<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Yesterday I noticed an email in my inbox from my bishop, wondering if I had the day off and if so could I please meet up with him to sign something. I assume this has to do with my resignation--I emailed him last week to let him know that if he had any questions specifically regarding my resignation he could email me, but otherwise I wanted no contact, as before. So he sent an email asking for my address at the apartment, and I responded. So I'm wondering if he was misled by my civil tone into thinking that I would meet with him at his request, and perhaps thinking that if we met and talked I might change my mind. <br />
<br />
I ignored the request. I don't want to meet with him, and there is no real reason why I should. Of course, my husband was sitting right there beside me, as I had logged into my email at his request, to retrieve a coupon he'd had sent to me. He recognized the bishop's name, and wanted to know what was up. I just told him that I am no longer a member of the church and have absolutely no intention of ever returning. He started to get upset, but I stood firm. ("I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City . . . for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great. You have no power over me!)<br />
<br />
And I suppose that's what led to the nightmares. I dreamed that since I didn't answer his email, he reached out to my mother, my stepfather, and my sister (who no longer considers herself a member, but who never officially resigned). So I was having to explain to my mother what was going on, and she was having a conniption fit, and my stepfather was acting, per usual, like a complete asshole. Fortunately, my sister took me to my favourite vegan restaurant and I got a grilled tofu sandwich, which I enjoyed, but I vented vented vented with her, and she was really nice and let me vent (she is very nice, and always lets me vent. I guess she's been out long enough she's past the anger stage where I seem to be thoroughly ensconced. Although I wonder if I'd be able to move past the anger stage a little more quickly if my husband weren't having cog dis and refusing to do anything. He's paralysed. It's awful.)<br />
<br />
I was happy to wake up. <br />
<br />
I realise that I am going to have to broach the subject with my mother, but I'm waiting until I can do it in person. It's not the sort of conversation one wants to do via email or telephone. <br />
<br />
Oh--and here's a photo of me taken on Christmas Eve. I'm not nuts about it, but then I'm not nuts about any photos with me in them. I see all the flaws, things I'd like to change, etc. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mzZlAPwzsRs/TvnZhvKzi5I/AAAAAAAAAA4/YYnekiovCvM/s1600/faith+at+christmas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" rea="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mzZlAPwzsRs/TvnZhvKzi5I/AAAAAAAAAA4/YYnekiovCvM/s1600/faith+at+christmas.jpg" /></a></div>
</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-14850664068689044242011-12-23T08:10:00.004-06:002011-12-23T08:10:35.447-06:00Belief Systems<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The day I first knew for absolute sure that the mormon church was not The One True Church, I was floored. I remember talking about it with my boss, who, no so coincidentally had just finished studying about the origins of the mormon church at her own church. She asked me if I believed in God and in Jesus, and I unhesitatingly said, "absolutely." Because I did. <br />
<br />
But as the days and weeks went by, I began questioning my belief systems. What do I really believe? And the questions got deeper and deeper, and the answers just weren't there. <br />
<br />
And then, all of a sudden, it's holiday time. Time to put up the Christmas tree and deck the halls with tinsel and Santa Clauses. And our nativity scene got burned in the fire. I really had to ponder what to do about a nativity scene, since I'm not so sure I believe in Jesus the way I always believed. I got lucky and found a statuette of a huge winged angel behind a simple scene of Mary, Joseph, and the baby Jesus. I could appreciate it for art's sake, if not for anything else, so I bought it. <br />
<br />
Our friends with whom we're spending Christmas are going to church on Sunday. The Dad is singing that morning. I'm not going--not because I don't want to support him. No, I'm not going because I would feel incredibly uncomfortable in a mormon building & congregation, and because I get to go home and cook Christmas dinner. I'm cool with that. I hope they are. <br />
<br />
I think one of the harmful things that the church did to me was instill the belief system that there had to be One True Church. So in my early days out of the church, I was still searching for that truth. I remember contacting a non-denominational Christian pastor to find out what they taught, and he blew me off. I thought maybe I could be Buddhist, so I did some research into Buddhist beliefs, and I can't buy into the whole thing, although I love my little Buddha statues because they remind me to take time to meditate, and take time to find joy. I looked into paganism, and wicca, and UU, and various other religions. <br />
<br />
For now I have come to the conclusion that it's okay to not align myself with any particular belief system. I'm content to have questions, because I feel free to search for answers (whereas as a member of the mormon church I was taught to shelves things, and that when the prophet speaks the debate is over). <br />
<br />
And honestly, as I said yesterday, there's no way to know what happens after death until we're dead. <br />
<br />
So as I celebrate the Christmas season this year, I'm not necessarily celebrating the birth of Christ. I'm celebrating the closeness I feel with my family and friends. I'm celebrating the opportunity to prepare good food and feed people I love. I'm celebrating the opportunity I have to thank people for their kindness and service. I'm celebrating the fact that for a time, at least, people tend to be a little kinder and a little more loving than usual. I'm celebrating my freedom from spiritual oppression.<br />
<br />
So happy holidays to you and yours--whatever those holidays may be. If you're not celebrating any holidays this time of year, then I give you my love and best wishes for peace and joy.</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-70047338770004179622011-12-22T12:15:00.001-06:002011-12-22T12:15:13.843-06:00What I Know<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>I know that I don't know the answers. </li>
<li>I know that I'm no longer willing to quit asking questions when the prophet has spoken.</li>
<li>I know that I don't believe being buried in ghastly dress, robes, apron, and veil is going to send me straight to heaven. (Note to any family members who might be reading this: I want you to dress me in something that I'd wear in real life, and not my temple clothing [which is just as well, because I threw them in the trash]. May I suggest skinny jeans, grannie boots, a purple tank, and a black leather jacket?)</li>
<li>I know that I don't believe my body can only be resurrected (if physical resurrection happens at all) if I choose cremation over burial. And yes, cremation, please. It's not like I'm going to be inside my body at that point.</li>
<li>I know that it's impossible to know what happens when we die until we die. For example, whether he was right or wrong while he lived, Christopher Hitchens now knows absolutely what happens after death. </li>
<li>I know that it's okay to not know, to ask unanswerable questions, to question authority.</li>
<li>I know that any authority that refuses to allow questions to be asked is unrighteous (I hesitate to use that word, but I'm not sure what other word to use). </li>
<li>I know that in the essentials, I haven't changed that much since leaving the church. I was a bit of a rebel for the last 11 years, and didn't fit in anyway. I still feel like myself, just with far less stress and angst. </li>
</ul>
<br />
I don't understand how we can be judged solely by our actions and our obedience to the dictates of others. If I am here to learn lessons, that means that I am not expected to be perfect. I tend to learn things the hard way. That means I make mistakes, wrong choices, fuck up. That's part of life. <br />
<br />
The mormons teach that there was a great council in heaven, and that lucifer had a plan to save everyone by taking away their free agency. Jesus had a plan to allow everyone their free agency, and would save those he could. And Jesus's plan was chosen. But let me ask, how does the church not take away one's free agency in all the ways that matter? (Wasn't it Neal A. Maxwell who stated that "we are free to choose our actions, but we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions"?) If we love someone who is not a member of TSCC, we cannot marry that person because s/he cannot marry us in the temple, which is the way to exaltation. And remember--"salvation without exaltation is damnation." We're told to have children, whether or not we think we're financially or physically ready. We are supposed to clean the church buildings. Pay 10% of our income to the church without ever receiving any accounting as to what is done with those tithes. We are to fast once a month, and make generous fast offerings. One former general authority stated that if the fast offerings would double, so would the level of spirituality (I'm paraphrasing). In other words, give us your money. We're supposed to go to the temple regularly and participate in bizarre secret combinations (oops--wait--secret combinations are bad). <br />
<br />
Once you step aside and start asking questions, and seeking for truth instead of pablum, the cog dis grows and grows and grows. Then if you're able to be honest, you will realise the church is nothing but the works of men, and it attempts to keep people in control by setting impossible standards of conduct and living and taking their money and encouraging them to have children who will grow up and toe the mormon line and give their money and to serve missions to make converts to toe the line and give their money.<br />
<br />
Since leaving the church, I've seen the phrase "Pay, pray, and obey" all over the place. And truly that seems to be their priorities, in that order. Pay 10%, but it's really more than 10%, because of the mission funds, and the fast offering funds, and humanitarian funds. Pray to know if it's true, but if you don't get that burning in the bosom, it's either because you're not living the other commandments, or it's because you already know it's true. Obey. Be little zombies following the routine--church for 3 hours on Sundays, all of your meetings, scouting, Young Women, Primary, Relief Society, compassionate service, scripture study, genealogy, temple service, journaling, family home evening. They keep you so busy that you don't have time to ask questions. By the time you get to the end of a day, you're so exhausted you can't do anything. And you probably felt guilty because there were more things you needed to do, and you just couldn't do them, but you're commanded to do them, which means you--and not those making the impossible demands on you--are falling short.<br />
<br />
I want to be a good person. I'm trying to be a good person. But my definition of good has changed quite a bit. I have an internal moral compass, and I follow it. I let someone turn in front of me when I'm driving home. I try to be there for my friends when they need me. I try to live so that what I believe, what I say I believe, and what I practice are in harmony. Okay, yeah, I still cuss fluently when I'm driving, or when I'm having a really bad day, but I don't think that makes me a bad person. If the worst thing I ever do is cuss when some guy with a teeny little weenie in a big-ass truck cuts me off in heavy traffic, well, I don't think that's so bad. And no, that's not the worst thing I ever do. At the same time, however, I no longer think I'm a vile pernicious sinner who's doomed to spend eternity in outer darkness. <br />
<br />
I guess I just have learned that things are both simpler and more complicated than I always believed. Instead of "knowing" that Joseph Smith was a prophet, I now know that he practiced polygamy and polyandry. Instead of "knowing" that the Doctrine & Covenants consisted of revelations from God, I now know that he pretty much made them up whenever convenient. Instead of "knowing" that he translated the Pearl of Great Price, I now know that he made up something, perhaps thinking that no one would ever be able to translate Egyptian hieroglyphs. Instead of "knowing" that the Book of Mormon was the word of God, I now know that it, too, was made up, perhaps from several sources combined with Smith's fertile imagination. Instead of "knowing" that the primary ancestors of the native Americans were Israelites, I now know native Americans descended from Asians. I've traded "knowledge" for knowledge. There's a big difference. Not that church leaders would necessarily agree with me. Remember that "some things which are true are not very useful." That's a correct statement, if you're attempting to keep the truth from people so that you can have their money, their time, and their slavish devotion to your teachings. <br />
<br />
If, however, you're seeking after genuine truth, then the things which are true and not useful to the mormons will be of incredible use to you. </div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66699852588327563.post-72077556021184236642011-12-21T12:17:00.000-06:002011-12-21T15:57:52.645-06:00Obsession<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Today's earworm? Animotion's song--Obsession, you are an obsession, blah blah blah. The song drives me up the wall, mostly because I only know the chorus.<br />
<br />
So yesterday when I checked my mailbox, there was the letter from the membership department telling me that my case has to be handled locally and therefore they were forwarding my letter to the stake president who would forward it to the bishop, and in light of the serious consequences they urged me to think again. They also included the little pamphlet about how if we were offended we should come back. I didn't read it. I threw it on the seat in my car and it's going into the recycle bin tonight when I pick up my mail. <br />
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Then today I emailed my bishop a polite note to let him know that I'd received the letter; I would like him to process my resignation as quickly as possible; I do not want him to contact my husband about this because (a) my husband already knows how I feel and (b) my husband is not responsible for my actions and decisions. I said that I no longer believe the church to be true. I said if he has any questions specifically about my resignation he may email me, but otherwise I still want no contact other than a letter saying that I'm no longer a member. No response has come, so I imagine he'll handle it now. And I swear, if he calls my husband, I'm going to throw a royal shit fit!<br />
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Then I keep thinking of the song Obsession, so I looked up the lyrics. Imagine the profit singing this to the people trying to leave the church:<br />
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<div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
You are an obsession, I cannot sleep <br />
I am a possession unopened at your feet <br />
There is no balance, no equality <br />
Be still I will not accept defeat <br />
<br />
I will have you, yes I will have you <br />
I will find a way and I will have you <br />
Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly <br />
I will collect you and capture you <br />
<br />
You are an obsession, you're my obsession <br />
Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me <br />
<br />
I feed you, I drink you by day and by night <br />
I need you, I need you by sun or candlelight <br />
You protest, you want to leave <br />
You say there's no alternative <br />
<br />
Your face appears again, I see the beauty there <br />
But I see danger, stranger beware <br />
A circumstance in your naked dreams <br />
Your affection is not what it seems <br />
<br />
You are an obsession, you're my obsession <br />
Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me <br />
<br />
My fantasy has turned to madness <br />
All my goodness has turned to badness <br />
My need to possess you has consumed my soul <br />
My life is trembling, I have no control <br />
<br />
I will have you, yes I will have you <br />
I will find a way and I will have you <br />
Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly <br />
I will collect you and capture you <br />
<br />
You are an obsession, you're my obsession <br />
Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me </blockquote>
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Any questions?<br />
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UPDATE: When I got back from lunch, I had an email from my bishop stating that he would accede to my request, fill out the paperwork, submit it to the stake president, who has to submit it to SLC, and I have 30 days to change my mind. I won't, of course. It was all very cordial. But I'm doing the happy dance now. </div>
</div>Ain't No Mo No Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07389722943204568018noreply@blogger.com0