TORN by Natalie ImbrugliaHow do you end a nearly 20 year marriage when your spouse is vehemently opposed to splitting up?
I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around and he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
The conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn
So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there
And not some holy light
it crawled beneath my veins
And now I don't care
I had no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can touch I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn
Torn
There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's right I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed
Bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late
I'm already torn
Torn.
What do you do when you have a long conversation with him one night about how the marriage isn't really a marriage anymore and you want to split up, but he wants you to keep living there at least as roommates , and you think he understands, and then the very next night he asks you why you never sleep with him anymore. (Because you snore, and I snore, and you travel so much I'm used to being in the bed by myself. Because when I try to sleep in the same bed with you I end up on the couch or futon anyway because I can't sleep. Because roommates don't sleep together. I want a room of my own, literally and figuratively.)
What do you say when he argues with you about what you eat? (Ham doesn't make me throw up like chicken does, and it's not this huge fatty meat like you think it is, and I'm a grown woman who is perfectly capable of deciding for herself what to eat and you have no right to argue with me about it.) When he nastily accuses you of eating the same way you did pre-surgery. (Pre-surgery, I ate burgers, fries, sodas, chips, fried chicken sandwiches or chicken tenders, cake, candy, complete crap because I've been eating my emotions for many, many years. Post-surgery, I can't eat chicken without puking, much less fries and cake.) When he rudely demands to know if you're eating better because of the lap band, or because you know what you should be eating. (The lap band is a tool that helps me to eat what I already know I should eat. If losing weight were easy, there wouldn't be any fat people in the world. And the shit you've given me for the last 21 years about my weight is done. I'm not taking it anymore.)
When he throws a temper tantrum because he's got a cold, and you have the temerity to go out with your sisters? (Colds suck. No question about it. But all you can do is drink plenty of liquids and get plenty of rest. That's all you can do, whether I'm home or not. There's nothing I can do for you. I got you three big bottles of juice last night. I brought dinner home for you. I rubbed your back. But the cold lasts 5 days, whether you treat it or not. If you want me to cancel my evening, just ask me nicely. You're far too old to be throwing temper tantrums and expecting to get your way as a result.)
What do you say when he accuses you of just wanting to move out? (Well, yes, I do. It's not a "just" thing. This isn't working. If we were on the same page, perhaps a roommate type situation would work. But we're not. As long as I'm living here, you're going to continue to treat me like a less intelligent person who need to be controlled because you know what's best, always.)
What do you say when he mourns your lost faith? (I don't regret losing faith in something that isn't true. I don't regret losing faith in someone who, instead of being a virtuous man worthy of admiration, was a manipulative sexual predator who valued his personal power and desires above everything else. I don't regret losing faith in an institution that does not do what it proclaims it does.) When he blames himself for your lost faith? (Thank you. If you hadn't raised those questions, I would still be feeling miserable and wondering why my life sucks so badly. I would still be feeling like no matter what, I would never be good enough, never be worthy, of the Saviour's love.)
Am I a heartless bitch?
I just feel torn.
No you aren't a heartless bitch, let's just get that one outta the way. You are a strong, intelligent woman who refuses to be abused anymore! You keep the faith and you do what needs to be done, and know I'm here for you and all your other sisters are too!!
ReplyDeleteLove ya!!
What SGW said. All of it. You are just frustrated, not heartless. Torn, but not past repair.
ReplyDeleteMy best educated guess (based on my own painful education in the school of Mormon hard knocks) is you've been conditioned to believe that loving yourself in a healthy way is selfish ... that wanting and even demanding either the joy of your own solitude AND perhaps an adult relationship with a real adult who doesn't throw tantrums or try to control you or or change you or blame you for his problems, an adult relationship based on mutual respect where you both pull your own weight in every way, is somehow an indication that you're not trying hard enough. Wrong.
ReplyDeleteAs I told my kid before she was married a couple of years ago, you can love a lot of people in this world. However, choosing a marital partner is not so different than choosing a business partner. Both should have the same basic qualifications except your marital partner should also be someone you enjoy sleeping with. When it's not fun anymore, what's the point?
Sounds like he doesn't know how to communicate how he feels (lost, abandoned, helpless, not in control, etc) in a mature and honest way so he throws fits over things that don't matter. He needs help. You can't fix emotional instability by letting him be dependent on you and your "marriage" for stability in his life. He needs professional help. He needs to be able to meet his own needs by himself.
ReplyDeletewhat sgw and izzy said. you are NOT heartless or a bitch. you are just not taking it anymore. all i have to say is good for you. you are standing up for yourself and trying to live your life the way you see fit. there is nothing wrong with that. i <3 you.
ReplyDeleteI read some where that bitch means Being In Total Control of Herself. Might not be such a bad thing ;)
ReplyDelete