You know, it's not exactly easy to let go of everything. There's pain involved, like right now I have an infection in one of my new piercings. I'm carefully treating it, hoping it will clear up, but there's this little part of me that says it's infected because I'm only supposed to have one piercing per ear.
Of course, if that were the case, the other ear would be infected as well, and it's not. I just think God has a lot more to occupy him than how many holes I have in my ear lobes.
I've always loved Joseph and Hyrum Smith, Henry B. Eyring, Gordon B. Hinckley, Jeffrey R. Holland. And now I think of them and I think of all the lies and deceptions. Lying for the Lord apparently doesn't affect your personal worthiness for temple recommends.
And I also think of the dishonesty and abuse of priesthood power I experienced in Salt Lake City. One company I worked for attracted the interest of the SEC, and the president ended up in prison. But he worked at the temple every week. So something was wrong there. I've heard the urban legends--a temple officiator stopped a session to say that a couple of people in that session were not worthy to be there, and invited them to leave. No one moved, so he said again that they had to leave, or he would call out their names and what their sins were (presumably adultery). And then two people stood up and left the room, and the session continued. I was guillible. I believed that. So how is it that no one ever noticed that my former boss, a veil worker, was cheating people out of their hard-earned money, breaking laws all over the place, and was quite obviously not an honest person?
I also remember trying to find a job in Salt Lake City after getting married. I actually had one man tell me, upon discovering that I was a newlywed, that he wouldn't hire me because I would get pregnant and quit my job. I should have called the ACLU and hauled his ass off to court, but I meekly took it, because I knew he was right. I would quit my job immediately upon getting pregnant. The only problem there, of course, was that I was infertile.
So the fact that the church leaders that I so respected are liars, sexual predators, greedy people shouldn't be such a shock. I saw it every day. I just chose to believe that the church was still true.
I can't choose that anymore. I see nothing that shows me it's true. All I see are the lies.
Please note that I'm in no way accusing all church members of being dishonest. I believe that the majority of Mormons are good, honest, diligent people who genuinely believe they're serving God. But I don't see how the main leadership, those who despite the church's stated policy of unpaid clergy, who are actually paid for their services cannot know what is going on underneath the surface. Do you remember those horrible toe fungus commercials, where an innocuous looking toenail was pulled back to reveal all kinds of horrible and disgusting pus and fungus thriving underneath it? Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
I lived that way for so long, seeing only what I wanted to see, believing that even if the clergy (of the Catholic Church) were flawed and did bad things, that the doctrines were still true, that Christ was still present in the Sacraments, that the Pope was still led by God. I'm so grateful Benedict became Pope. His idiotic actions proved to me over and over again how much he wasn't led by any omniscient or wise divine power. From the moment I learned he said you shouldn't read Harry Potter.
ReplyDeleteI completely trusted and loved so many of those men. I was devout. When I discovered the deep deception, I felt like an idiot. It's not unlike being betrayed by a lover who has kindly fed you lie after lie: impossible to reconcile the seeming sincerity and kindness, the sincere and loving smile with the f***ing liar.
ReplyDeleteThere is no way those men -- even the seemingly most sincere -- do not know that they are lying. I still can't wrap my head around it ... except for the fact that I know a few sincere believers who know basically the same non-faith-promoting facts that I know ... yet they still rabidly believe. What they have to justify in their own minds to do that I cannot comprehend. It's a little frightening, really.
Macha, I know, right? And isn't it crazy, just taking the Harry Potter question alone, that the people who condemn it refuse to read it? It's about the eternal struggle between good and evil. What's wrong with it? Oh, it's about "witchraft---ooooh, must be bad." My husband grew up Catholic, and even though he's persisting in believing the Mormon church is true, I could probably get him to go to mass with me if I so chose. But I can't buy that any more than I can buy the Mormon stuff.
ReplyDeleteCognitive Dissenter, I love you! I've been reading your blog and it's just awesome. You're right--it is frightning when people see the truth but because they cannot handle it, choose to continue to believe nonetheless. I also agree that there's no way the higher-ups don't know this is a fraud. Hinckley's actions alone, in regard to the Hoffman business, show that.
Thanks for visiting & commenting. :)
I kind of understand why members who know the real truth continue to believe, and justify it. I converted at the age of 18, and questioned and doubted from then until the moment I stepped out of the temple after my endowment ceremony (then I knew I didn't really believe), but I still got sealed to my husband the next week because I didn't want to disappoint him or my friends (I ended up disappointing my family still, because they couldn't watch me get married, and I am pissed at myself because of this), and now 2 months later, I am finally leaving.
ReplyDeleteI justified, and rationalized things in my mind constantly. It is taught that questioning and doubting is the adversary, so when you do it you feel like you are horrible, and unrighteous, so you try and pretend that your questions aren't there. Then you trust that eventually all your questions will be answered because that is what they tell you. The church has completely manipulated its members. It is horrible.