You know, it's not exactly easy to let go of everything. There's pain involved, like right now I have an infection in one of my new piercings. I'm carefully treating it, hoping it will clear up, but there's this little part of me that says it's infected because I'm only supposed to have one piercing per ear.
Of course, if that were the case, the other ear would be infected as well, and it's not. I just think God has a lot more to occupy him than how many holes I have in my ear lobes.
I've always loved Joseph and Hyrum Smith, Henry B. Eyring, Gordon B. Hinckley, Jeffrey R. Holland. And now I think of them and I think of all the lies and deceptions. Lying for the Lord apparently doesn't affect your personal worthiness for temple recommends.
And I also think of the dishonesty and abuse of priesthood power I experienced in Salt Lake City. One company I worked for attracted the interest of the SEC, and the president ended up in prison. But he worked at the temple every week. So something was wrong there. I've heard the urban legends--a temple officiator stopped a session to say that a couple of people in that session were not worthy to be there, and invited them to leave. No one moved, so he said again that they had to leave, or he would call out their names and what their sins were (presumably adultery). And then two people stood up and left the room, and the session continued. I was guillible. I believed that. So how is it that no one ever noticed that my former boss, a veil worker, was cheating people out of their hard-earned money, breaking laws all over the place, and was quite obviously not an honest person?
I also remember trying to find a job in Salt Lake City after getting married. I actually had one man tell me, upon discovering that I was a newlywed, that he wouldn't hire me because I would get pregnant and quit my job. I should have called the ACLU and hauled his ass off to court, but I meekly took it, because I knew he was right. I would quit my job immediately upon getting pregnant. The only problem there, of course, was that I was infertile.
So the fact that the church leaders that I so respected are liars, sexual predators, greedy people shouldn't be such a shock. I saw it every day. I just chose to believe that the church was still true.
I can't choose that anymore. I see nothing that shows me it's true. All I see are the lies.
Please note that I'm in no way accusing all church members of being dishonest. I believe that the majority of Mormons are good, honest, diligent people who genuinely believe they're serving God. But I don't see how the main leadership, those who despite the church's stated policy of unpaid clergy, who are actually paid for their services cannot know what is going on underneath the surface. Do you remember those horrible toe fungus commercials, where an innocuous looking toenail was pulled back to reveal all kinds of horrible and disgusting pus and fungus thriving underneath it? Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.