Dreaming

Last night I dreamed that I was a gay man, so deep in the closet that I was only just figuring it out. My brother-in-law found out because of some papers I had in my desk, and he urgently told me to keep it secret, but wanted to be sure that the resources were in "the blue book." (I'm a former CPS caseworker and United Way has a blue book that you can look up resources for your clients.  I'm assuming that's where that came from.)

It struck me, upon wakening, what I've thought about before. In a very small way, I'm closeted as a non-believer.  I've told some people (my non-member father and stepmother, my exmo sister, my husband (who's very distressed at my lack of faith), some non-member friends. I haven't told my mother, as I don't want to be responsible for her having a heart attack or something. I haven't told my stepfather, not because I care about his opinion, but because I don't want him to make my mother's life even more of a hell than it already is. I haven't told my best TBM friend, although I trust her and I will tell her when the time seems right.

I've seen some videos where Rapunzel, in Tangled, is compared to coming out of the mormon church, where she's one minute gleefully swinging through the air, and the next minute she's berating herself for being an awful daughter.  That is a fantastic comparison, as that's frequently how I feel. I need my freedom, and I am claiming my freedom, but I feel like an awful daughter, an awful wife, an awful friend, for leaving TSCC even though I cannot believe it to be true.

And even though I think of myself as a closeted exmo, that doesn't mean that I think it's as difficult a thing as being a closeted homosexual. My dream showed me how much more painful that was, and that was just a dream.  I think it's horrible that the mormon church teaches people that there's something wrong if you "have homosexual tendencies" or however they're wording it this week. I believe, with David, that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made." If, then, some of us are homosexual, then that's how God made us. And the whole thing about how homosexuals should not act on their sexual feelings because it's a sin to have pre/extramarital sex, then why not let them get married? Doesn't that make more sense than telling them to deny who they are?

Just my two cents' worth.