Things That Make You Go WTF?

My husband asked me the other day if anyone from TSCC had contacted me about the house fire. I told him no, but then again, I haven't been in contact with anyone to tell them.  He then told me that he'd called our bishop.

Hmmm. Fat lot of good that did, eh?

Okay. Here's the thing. If I were, say, someone's visiting teacher, and I learned that she had requested no contact with the church, I would respect that. If, however, I learned that the person's house had burned down, I would be calling or visiting not as a representative of the church, but as a fellow human. What can I do? How can I help?

And then today I've been thinking some more. I am actually "friends" on Facebook with a few members from our ward. And of all the people who responded with commiseration or well wishes, none of them were those people. I may be doing some unfriending tonight.

It goes back to what I said before about my loving visiting teacher who showed me only too clearly that she didn't love me at all. I was just a duty for her. And while I requested no contact from the church, I very clearly emphasized that it was me, and I did not speak for my husband in any way. For him to reach out, and be rebuffed, just pisses me off even more.

(Please note that I have friends who just happen to be members of the church, and this isn't directed at them in any way, shape, form, or fashion. I am referring specifically to the members of the ward in which we reside and which my husband would love someone to reach out to him not as someone who's falling away but in genuine compassion and kindness.  (Did you just laugh there? Did you snort? Oh--the snort must have been from me. Sorry 'bout that, she says unrepentantly.)

Food Storage

Most of the food storage my husband obsessively purchased was stored in the converted garage room.

Guess which room caught the brunt of the fire?

I hope that when we are able to move back to our home, in the 4-5 month period they're now projecting, instead of the 2-3 month period, he will learn to restrain himself. We don't need 25-pound bags of flour and rice.

Just a thought

Last night my husband and I went out to buy at least enough clothes to get us through the rest of this week. And while we stood in line to pay for the items we'd picked out, we watched a group of young teenage girls. They were young and pretty, and being typical teenagers.

I dare you to think of a young teen you know, 14 years old, and then think of her being impelled to marry a 38-year-old man who, by the way, already has numerous secret and not-so-secret wives in addition to the legal first wife that most people know of.  It's repugnant.

I was glad to see the kids looking and acting like kids, without the fear of being given in marriage while still in their youth, without having to grow up far beyond their years. It was nice.

Temporary Absence

My house caught fire Sunday night. If I were a cause-and-effect kind of a person, I might say that it was God's judgment coming down on me for leaving the church.  But then I would say that if God burns downs people's houses for leaving the church, he wouldn't be much of a god, and there wouldn't be very many houses left, either. I think crap just happens.

Anyway, we're all safe, both those of us who walk on 2 legs and those who walk on 4. We spent the first two nights with my parents, and now we're in a hotel for a couple of weeks and then will be in a corporate apartment after that until our house is ready for us to move back in.

I probably won't be posting much until things settle back down.

Oh, and one thing that strikes me as funny. The church books my husband refused to let me sell at a used book store? He'd put them in the converted garage that we use for his studio and storage.  Guess where the fire started? Guess what books got all burnded up?  :)

Just Thinkin' Some More

When my best friend C. lived in her dream house, there was one day that most of her family and my husband were inside her house watching the World Cup. But her son Ch. and I were outside in the swimming pool being goofy and having fun.  I remember him launching himself at me, proclaiming at the top of his lungs, "I am Reptar! Hear me roar!" and he roared loudly with a mighty yawp, and it was fun.

And the thought of that led me to that old Helen Reddy song, "I Am Woman." "I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore, and I know too much to go back to pretending..."

That's how I feel about the church. I know too much to go back to pretending. While I admire and respect most of the members of the church, because I know they are good people and genuinely serving God and doing what they believe to be right, I cannot align myself with this organisation. With its murky beginnings, the even murkier issue of Joseph Smith being a sexual predator (among many other unattractive characteristics), the tiny amount of money that goes to humanitarian aid as opposed to building malls and condos, the fact that there is no archaeological evidence supporting the book of mormon, etc., there's just nothing there for me.

I'm not happy about it. I mean, it's been a part of my life for 30 years. It's not easy to cast off something with which you have identified yourself so strongly. And I'm trying to find where my beliefs lie. The truth is the truth, no matter what people may believe.  There's nothing that everyone on this earth recognizes to be true, when it comes to faith and religion. My chances of choosing the incorrect one, if there is such a thing, are far greater than stumbling upon the correct one.

Therefore, I believe that I will just continue to try to be a good person and hope that God, if there is a God, will accept that.

O Say What Is Truth

The thing about asking questions is that once you start asking questions and really searching for answers, you build up momentum and it gets harder and harder to stop.  Not that I want to stop, of course, but the problem is that the answers are either not there for me to find just now, or else they're not what I expected.

I mentioned not too long ago that I'm beginning to think that I would identify as an agnostic.  That really surprised me. I've always believed in God and in Jesus Christ as a saviour. I still pray, but my prayers always start out, as I said before, with a statement like King Lamoni's father: "O God, if there is a god and if thou art God..."  I haven't discussed this with my husband, because he's wigged enough about my leaving the morg.

I've been reading the online archives of Slate's David Plotz's series on Blogging the Bible (which I highly recommend), and it's raising more questions.

How can I know whether the alleged prophets in the Bible really were speaking for God? And how can God be described as the same yesterday, today, and forever, when in the works that purportedly contain his prophecies and works show an imperfect god, a god whose commands range from sublime to truly heinous? I'm not being facetious--I really want to know.

And then if I think perhaps there is no god, or if there is one, his or her nature is beyond anything comprehensible by me or anyone else. Maybe none of those people who claim to speak for God actually do so. I mean, they can't all be prophets, when you consider all the contradictions and the great evils that have been done in the name of one god or another.

Muslims claim that their god is the only true god, and that his works are just. Christians and Jews claim that their god is the only true god, and that his works are just. In the name of God, Muslims have slaughtered many people. In the name of God, Christians/Jews have slaughtered many people. By their fruits ye shall know them, right?

The mormon church as an entity persecutes homosexuals and transgendered people. It gives only the tiniest fraction of its great wealth to humanitarian aid, while it builds malls and luxury condominiums. It practices "lying for the Lord" despite its claims to be honest, true, chaste, benevolent and doing good to all men. I don't call that good fruit. It is not at all sweet to the taste, but incredibly bitter.

I think I'm comfortable with being agnostic for now. Whether that will ever change remains to be seen. I'm going to keep asking questions, and I'm going to keep searching for answers.

Just Thinkin'

It was a long, stressy weekend, but it paid off because I got to spend some quality time with my bestie C. She is, without a doubt, one of the coolest people I've ever known, and I feel truly honoured to have her as my best friend.

Things have been kind of tough lately. My husband and I are so skilled at pushing each other's buttons, and I think we argued virtually all weekend.  The arguments consisted of him wanting me to do something and then getting pissed off at me because I wasn't doing it the way he would have done it.  There were several times when I told him that if he didn't like how I was doing it, then he could do it his own damned self.

Nonetheless, by the time we got together with C and the rest of her family, things were nice and peaceful. The dogs behaved themselves, we had a fun game of charades, ate until we thought we would asplode, and talked a lot.

I had to skip the fireworks last night because all the physical work I was doing had my back going into spasms virtually every time I moved. So I took a muscle relaxer and watched an episode of Hawaii Five-O on Netflix. I started watching it this weekend, and the quality of the camera work and the acting, way better than most of the classic tv episodes I've tried watching.

My husband is still angsty about his feelings about the church. I told him to believe what he believes, and allow me the freedom of my own beliefs. I'm not out to convert the world to my opinions. But I refuse to allow anyone to tell me what I should believe. I'll figure that out for myself, thank you very much.

Hope you all had a great weekend!!